Is it me?

Today was again a weird day. I didnt manage to get anything done really. I was just hanging around and pretended to do some work. I dont know why (tho i have a very strong suspicion. It's constant state of mind. but i'll try to figure this out myself. im very glad ONE is there). anyhow. what i did was borrowing a book from the library. this was the only thing during the day. in the evening there was examiners dinner for all those who had marked exams in the department (it's not our department coz it doesnt belong to anyone). it was very nice. but.


it was awkward. some may know why. when i was in school everybody liked me and most people saw (and still see) me as someone intelligent. i absolutely dont think so. i dont know why because i was rather quiet. what i thought. over the last months i have spoken and spent a lot of time with someone who is interested in this phenomena. these conversations made me thinking, and still do. why im quiet? why everyone seems to like me tho im quiet? why everybody seems to think im intelligent? to cut it short. she made me thinking that i might be shy. and that it is not something individual but rather social. why social. coz tho im the one who is quiet, my quietness is only a reaction to others and others will re-act to my quietness. shyness can only happen in a social context. when im at home i simply cant be shy because, for whom? there im just me. but in a social situation i can and might be shy. and only there. there it gains significance. or as my beloved luhmann would argue on the basis of the central theorem 'i will do what you want if you do what i want' (everyone who thinks i adore him and follow him blindly, think again): if i dont do what you want because i cant do what you want, on the basis that i do what you want, not because i dont want to do but im not able to do it, this whole double contingency is made redundant and therefore the nullpoint of the double contingency will never be overcome, tho i would like it to be overcome and make communication working. alright this is confusing. system theorists might find this understandable and appealing, i dont. at the moment it is rather destructive. i want something else. however, if communication cant work, because im shy in a social context, it will become awkward. speaking to a person who is quiet and only answers briefly or with something which doesnt allow really for follow up questions is very hard. if i cant get any information which would allow me to construct a further question i will sooner or later give up the conversation and do something else. and the person, who is quiet, might feel that others have no interest and gets even quieter. ok. this is what wikipedia offers: "in humans, shyness is the feeling of apprehension or lack of confidence experienced in regard to social association with others, e.g. being in proximity to, approaching and being approached by others." i will give you one example from today. i was sitting with four others, meaning that they were close enough to have a conversation with. one started to ask me questions and i replied to them. but it was rather a straight answer, no artificial blowing up so that he could construct a new question or i would have asked him something back, both would have kept the communication running. the reason why i didnt, i dont know. i think i have been thinking and talking about it beforehand and i already turned myself off, simply by believing that it cant work. however. he kept on but soon found someone else he could talk to. he introduced me to the others tho. and they were asking me things as well. or tried out their german. very nice attempts. but i went shy, i strongly believe. i was sitting there and listened to their questions and answered as much as i could. but just as i could. in my mind were thoughts like, why im sitting here? why i talk to these people? why i didnt just stay at home? and does their talking really make sense? in other words, i felt completely uncomfortable. i think it went alright in the sense that i didnt completely screwed it and didnt say anything. they all know now what im doing and got answers to their questions. but the whole evening was more or less that i forced myself to be included. i only very partially enjoyed it. then there were moments where they were talking about holidays and children. i cant add anything to this. these moments would have been best to change the table (yes, wrong table). but i simply couldnt. i felt that i couldnt leave. i had to stay and sit there. couldnt move. being trapped. this is what it felt like. being trapped. the whole point is that i often have the feeling that a certain thing puts me off, like when they started to talk about children, where i have nothing to say or think that i will only say something very stupid. and in effect i will remain quiet. and say nothing. although im listening and know what is going on. and i would have something to say. but i just simply cant. i just cant! some thing with shyness is that a very simple single incident is enough to put you off for the complete rest. it brings you out of balance and you decide to be quiet the whole time. just like snapping your fingers. its a second. and only in situations with others. never alone. only with others. today i felt excluded as they were talking about children. this put me off. i have no children, i would love to?!? what could I add? nothing. so i stay quiet. and they dont want me to talk with them anyway... they were metaphorically creating a boundary around them, through which no one could come. i know its not the case and i could have joined. but this is what it feels like. nothing else. so i cant be sure whether its them or me who creates this awkward situations. i guess its both. i could be talkative and have conversations. but others could be more attentive and try to have rather general topics. whoever it is. just finishing off with the intelligence thing: the reason why some people think im intelligent might be that im a male. im not intelligent at all. really. but non-talktaive boys tend to be associated with intelligence. dont ask me why. its just like this. quiet girls are seen rather negative. to hell with that. girls and boys are shy and there shouldnt be a distinction on the basis of gender in shyness.
those things were all brought more strongly to my mind during a night, a little time ago. it was a very nice and very interesting conversation. it made me really think. i hope i can learn. im sorry.

every spelling and grammatical mistake is yours. sorry for being very personal. it goes around my mind.
i dont want any comments on that. i dont want any texts or calls or the like (but maybe i want and this was just some form of cry for contact me; the conclusion is up to you.) sorry.