The way the mind crumbles...

I have been invited for a talk in Germany in late October and booked flights yesterday. The return journey wasnt the difficulty. Only the outward journey. Well, I was looking for the cheapest fare and there were a few to Germany. Even one to the closest airport. So I booked it and got the confirmation email. When I entered the exact date into my diary I saw that I accidently booked a flight to berlin which isnt't exactly what i thought i did... and it would have been 7 in the morning but i have to teach on that day. my mind is really crumbling right now. There have been other such things before (rental car for one instead for 4 days, deleting my most important variable, ...) They would never have happened before. I mean little things, yes, of course. But not such things. Ah great. The sappy PhD.

(Oh, I could change the flight to the airport i originally wanted to, for free)

Wellbeing for wellbeing

What happened yesterday then with my stats which screwed everything a bit? Stata (the stats software im using) has two nice options. both are metaphorically taking notes of what im doing (log files where commands and outputs are echoed in. this would be the technical explanation). one is just writing down what im typing in while the other does that and also makes notes on all things that happen around, writing down tables, graphs, things like those. Yesterday evening i cleaned the simple note taker to have only useful things in them and not every little piece of shit (yes, i really just mean stats, nothing else). I also told it to rewrite itself and the other, extended note taker. As I said it worked well. Except that I forget to include commands for creating my wellbeing variable. so at the end of it all, i had a good looking note taker but i had no dependent variable. and the dependent variable is usually the core of every advanced analysis. if you dont have any you are practically screwed.
when i worked on it the first time i turned the simple note taker off because i didnt wanted to spoil it with my trial and errors. i remember that i wanted to write down afterwards what i did so i could write the proper syntax into my note taker. but i somehow forgot to do it. and while cleaning the simple note taker yesterday eve i forgot again. To cut it short, It was completely my fault. And it is something which shouldnt happen at all. it is quite embarrassing to be honest. Same category like Schumacher kills his engine during start, you order two double shots when a police officer stops you in your car while you are drunk, you call your new girlfriend by your ex's name...

anyhow it is. today i created a new wellbeing variable which is even better than the old one. it took about two hours, much less than anticipated. now im happier than i was before and everything is fine. with wellbeing i did something for my wellbeing. tomorrow i will do the rest of the analysis. yep, these are my woes but im fine with them, even if they are overrated compared to others'.

France Gall "Poupée de Cire, Poupée de Son" (yep, she did "Ella, Elle l'a" later on...)

Change of plan

You shall not count your chickens before dawn. I intended to go to bed shortly after my last post and have a good night's sleep before I get into that vicious circle of less sleep for the praise of academia again. However, I got an email from my supervisor around 1ish asking me to write something for him. Well, to be honest, I asked him to write something for me and he just asked if I could prepare that writing for him which is just fair enough. Because it is more than urgent (not very much too write tho, yet I have to think about every sentence 10 times for making it accurate) I did it now. It's off to him now and hopefully he can already sign it on Wednesday. Little things like these are just adding in right now but I'm still happy. Sleep later.

YES

...Today was a particularly good day. I was working on my stats syntax for 4 hours to make it all clean and straight before I go into multivariate statistics. Getting rid of variables I just had for testing purposes. Adding comments to each command. At the end I had a good looking syntax which produces me a good looking dataset with a clean output file. It works really nice. It even irrevocably deleted my wellbeing variable. The core of my analysis, the one I definitely need. Yes, finally, I'm happy. Last time it only took me 5 hours to create the variable. I think I will have a very nice tomorrow morning. Seriously, I'm happy. I'm laughing.

My cousin sent me this one. I like the lyrics. K-OS "Sunday Morning"

what I do next

"If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts." Einstein

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it well and serenely...” Emerson

OMG

...I can mourn. I had to let steam off yesterday. Deep inside, Im really pissed off by how it is at the moment. Yesterday, I could have thrown my computer out of the window, screaming you "fucking blessing-of-the-postindustrial-age-bastard, do the hell i have in mind on this bloody statistics!!!!" I didnt. It felt good to "scream" and mourn in my blog instead. No swearing anymore in the near future.

My problem has a name

... and it is called Eurobarometer44_2-Stata. Of course, everyone who thinks something of her-, him- or itself has a double-name. By the way, these were quite fashionable during the 90s in Germany. Now you are going back to one surname only. anyhow it is, my problem is stata in conjunction with Eurobarometer 44_2 (not to mention Eurobarometer 56_1, this is the next on my desk). To put it short, I'm basically screwed. I have been sitting on this for month now and all I managed to do was to write the syntax, so that I might get some results from it. I'm stuck. I'm more than stuck. This is almost getting nowhere. I could finish it tomorrow if I want to (or have to). But with every little thing I solve there will be a new thing/problem. I have several difficulties: firstly, this is a huge dataset and Im scared that i will mess it up and get some "subjective" outcomes, things im looking for but which are not true in the end; i manipulate the data until it fits my imagination. second, its the first time im working with stata and almost everything is new; nonetheless, stata is better than spss, but only once you figured out how it works (and im still working on it). thirdly, i have no one who i can talk to about this; who in hell is bothering with stats??? i dont want to talk to geeks; stats isnt my favorite and will never be, but the only ones who know about stats seems to be geeks. paska. fourthly, once i cracked one problem there will be defo another one. this is what i am working on today, yesterday, the day before, the day before the day before, the day before the day before the day before, ...



ok, what im trying to achieve is to have a variable which comprehends 15 (or so) others and gives me an indication how people will or wont get sick from their job. it would be easy if there is only one option, people can choose from, and not for each variable one. this problem isnt really solvable in a good way, except ignoring individual choices and just comprehend them somehow. This would be the easiest one. but why do i want to have it like this? everyone can do it. i really dont know why. im really screwed here. i really would need one, telling me you will be fine. i believe in you. you will get it done. this is what i would need right now. no pity, no tipps (tho i wouldnt say no to them). all i need is emotional support. the rest will be solved. i hope i can somehow solve this kind of problem quite soon and everything will be alright. about the other difficulties i have. i think i can manage them somehow. of course it is a new software but the more i do the more i will know about it. it was the same with spss. before i did my masters i know the basic functions of spss but nothing more. the more i did on spss the more i got to know and i now know what someone can do on spss and what not. Secondly, i wont mess up the data really. i have a play-along dataset with which i can try out commands, im not quite sure about, and at the end only things i need will be saved. i dont have any worries there. even if the outcomes just fit my imagination, so be it. no one will ever bother to calculate things i did. too much work. im defo on the safe side there. just, thirdly, i do miss a person i can talk to. not necessarily about specific commands or so. the person doesnt have to be an expert in stats. just someone who can give some valuable feedback in the form of, you will get through it or maybe even, why havent you tried this. this would be great. but there isnt anyone like this, tho there are a few in germany (but far away).and finally, also problems are not solvable as luhmann would say. i think i can solve them. and they are just some form of excitement. with every new problem that evolves i will get the motivation to solve it. it made me really, really, really happy the other day when i solved that one problem which bothered me for weeks. all i need to do was to type an ` instead of an ' . but you have to know that. i was really, really happy. i know i will crack the problem i described above and in the picture. i will defo laugh about his in a few days time.


my parents offered me that i can come back to germany when i cant cope with this anymore. i dont even have to say a word. just come back to germany. i said no because, so far it has been more or less the best time of my life. i have developed and im the person i like to be, with past and history. im happy about all what happend, what it made out of me. i rejected the offer. tho it is really good to know i have it. im not seriously thinking about it. im spending a thought here and there. there are many issues involved with it. its somehow again a crucial turning point. i cant go back to germany really. i dont fit it there anymore. i could stay here. but somehow it feels, as if i decide now how the rest of my life will look like. the option which seems quite likely is that i will finish my phd and then go to the place wherever i find a job. be it england. be it us. be it canada. be it australia or alaska (both are the ideal, at least for a year or so). my holidays will depend on conferences where i will give papers (and these can be everywhere). my relationships will be long distance or short-term until the next move. most friendships will be bound by time, basically limited by the time im at one certain place. this mind sound tempting to some, that you can travel, will see places, be international, be excited all the time.... but on the other hand, it is quite scary because at the end of the day, my only HOME will be my laptop where i have access to the internet. there i can chat with friends, talk about my life, check my emails. it will be my base, nothing else. i will be homeless in a global age (no worries there, i possibly wont end up sleeping under a bridge). you can say its ok, come over it and get yourself together. but think seriously about it. do seriously. i will always be somehow on the run. to the next job. to the next country. there wont (probably) a fix point, except my laptop. it is tempting tho. but scary as well. i know i can go back to germany and will meet friends i ve known for ages. but at the end of the day, i will be somehow a lost person. lost in globalised world. i cant even start a relationship now because who the hell knows where i will be in 2 years?!? not in essex, not in germany. thats for sure. but were else. im lost. im really lost. i hope that at the end of the day i could say "all right now". I really hope so.

Free All right now


I think it will be like this. Being a lost person. nowhere at home, except where my laptop is and where i can communicate with my friends who might be next door or 1000s of kilometers away. i will be alright, and i dont want any pity. just some kind of, you are strong, you will get through it, i believe in you, would be nice. i will arrange with it. i will defo laugh about this post in 20 years time. now, it just scars me. im really scared. deep inside i feel lost, whatever i pretend to be on the outside.

I dont know what to write anymore. Im screwed here and I would have needed some mental support. that's all. nothing more and nothing less.

So

Ich habs heute beendet. Ging einfach nicht, der Kopf war nicht wirklich frei und ich konnte nicht das geben, was sie verdient hätte. War trotzdem sehr schön. Und ich bin um die Erfahrung reicher, dass es auch wirklich "normale" da draußen gibt. Ich werd dann mal ins Bett gehen. Bis denn

Es geht doch

Man konnte ja schon etwas verfolgen, wie das hier so läuft. Von wegen, europäische Mitbürger erklären mich für verrückt, das mit ihrem exfreund ist nicht so wie es aussieht (alles ganz anders, ja...), und ich könnte ohne sie nicht überleben. nunja, wie auch immer, heute hatte ich ein paar freunde da. solche freunde, die mich - laut aussage unserer Mitbürger - immer wie nichts behandeln und alles arrogante a.löcher sind. und überraschenderweise, es war sehr schön. ich habe ihnen salat als vorspeise (eigenes dressing), frikassee als hauptspeiße und eierkuchen mit eis und custard als nachspeiße gereicht. sie waren hin und weg und es war sehr schön. wir haben uns so um 6 getroffen und dann ein paar schöne 4 stunden miteinander verbracht. sehr erholsam und ganz ungezwungen. und das beste war, dass ich nicht meine ganzen bücher verstecken musste (im übertragenen sinne), weil ich ja sonst mit ihnen angeben würde... es geht wirklich auch anders und ich hatte eine schöne zeit und die anderen auch. keine endlosen debatten darüber, ob meine vielen bücher ein ausdruck meiner ddr-vergangenheit sind. ob mein zuhören, wenn andere reden (auch wenns manchmal langweilig ist), ein zeichen von asperger syndrom ist und nicht etwa einfacherweise nur höflichkeit. im grunde konnte ich ich sein und musste mich nicht verstellen oder irgendjemandens vorstellungen genügen. hätt ich das mal (sehr, sehr) viel früher gewusst...

Randnotiz

Nur mal so am Rande: Ich arbeite türlich nicht nur an Statistik die ganze Zeit. Dat wär ja wohl auch etwas zu langweilig. Nebenbei arbeite ich auch am 10. Punkt meiner Liste.... Wir erinnern uns, die berühmte 10DingedieichbiszumEndedesJahresmachenwill-Liste, wo nur 9 Punkte drauf waren... Bisher zwomal getroffen und es jibt tatsächlich noch vernünftge auf dieser Erde... Sehr schön. Wat will man mehr.

Bloody hell, I'm getting old

I'm sitting on stats now for almost two months. Not every day tho, still. While in Scotland I wanted to start with bivariate and multivariate analysis, facing one problem: how can I repeat a command for a set of independent variables in relation to a dependent variable? (e.g. I'ld like to know what increases wellbeing: haggis, music, milchreis, safeing the world, drunkeness, speeding, whatever, individually and together... nah seriously, participation, higher payment, respect, ...) bla bla bla. I never found the appropriate command that repeats others. Why? Instead of a " ` " i used " ' ". It was all there, in the manuals. But who is supposed to see that? Eagles with their sharp eyes but not average persons like me. Bloody hell. One simple character can screw you up.

What are the philosphical implications?

A:
By the way, Margarita and I will probably be at yours by 5.30pm. Hope that's fashionably late enough? The Commoner

B:
yep, the devilish details... but i'm working on that. come whenever you think its late enough to have a glorious entry. (but isnt the unexpected part of a fashionably late arrival? if so, then you wont arrive late as i now know when you will come and we just can adjust the starting time; or in other words, the unexpected is expected and the uncertainty of your arrival is certain. to retain the unexpected element of a fashionably late arrival, i think you shouldnt have said at what time you will arrive late so that we could have been sitting here and waiting, not knowing when you will come and, thus, being surprised when you come. I'm still not sure about the real philosophical implications... I think I should discuss this with x and y. Maybe a graph helps.

A:
Well, I'm lost for words, that last post should be published (not sure where). Just when I think I've got your number as an illiterate foreign royal, you astound me with your verbal acuity. Keep x out of the equation (even though we all enjoy mocking the afflicted, there are some limits) and literary success could be assured. Standard therapy's over-rated, too (other variations gratefully accepted). You could use a graph for illustrative purposes, perhaps? The Commoner

Haggis contd.

I just want to say that I might have Haggis now. Maybe it's better than last time. Apart from that the Oil Capital of Europe (quote) is astonishing.

Blessings of the post-industrial age

I wrote before that they have closed down my second office (outside the entrance to the sociology department) because they are renovating the computer labs there. Today they were tearing down the outside walls. Manually. A man standing on a ladder with a somewhat bigger hammer, punching against the wall until it collapses (or at least parts of it). Come on, this is ridiculous. He should enjoy the blessings of the industrial revolution where everything has become electric, even hammers. He's standing there for a good part of the day and will have muscle ache in the evening while it would take him half an hour with a proper electric machine. But maybe this is already a sign of a blessed post-industrial age where more 'personal' labour and efficient energy use is valued again... Who knows?!? I have just been laughing about this. Poor man. Job-creation measure; this is what I'm talking about.

3 years later

The Queen is on this one as well

They do really exist, 50 pound notes. Unbelievable. Never saw one before and I guess even English have only heard of. Maybe I will see them soon again when I pay my rent. But maybe they will only be given to respectable people. Then I won't see any again.

On the road again

I just can't wait to get on the road again While driving back to england i was thinking quite a lot. One was would it be possible to get from england to germany with only one gas filling. if i drive carefully my car needs about 4.8 litres per hundred kilometers. the distance is approx. 1040 kilometres and the car tank is 55 litres. doing maths. it would be theoretically. Next time I will have a go at it.

(1040 kilometres might even be for some 1040 too much. Hm.)

A sign?

After returning to england i went to my office in uni for checking mail and moving into my new office. anyhow, they closed down my second office!!! Remember, i have had two offices: one inside and the other one outside near the entrance where i smoked. Now only the inside office is left. maybe this is a sign and i should really stop smoking. or did i already? cant remember...

Duck you sucker

Well, then, I think my experiment was a success. I could sleep shortly I wrote that post. So I can drink coffee again. Yippee-ki-yay, you coffee-makers. I'm back for coffee. I'll be pain in your coffee machine. I'm happy about, something good after days of misery.

For a fistful of coffee

I had a day off today and used my time for an experiment. I already wrote that I cant drink any coffee after 11 in the morning or coke after 8ish in the evening, without having to fear a sleepless night. In the last 5 weeks or so I have been drinking coffee here and there after that time and I could sleep. am wondering if this is just possible because I'm completely knackered or not. So today, I wanted to know it. I had coffee at 5 in the afternoon. And I'm still awake. It's quarter past 2 continental time. I guess, I will tell you tomorrow how this fistful of coffee has been dissolved in sleep.