Yesterday evening I accidentally were in heaven. I gave a lift to a friend who wanted to pick up some free books from an old lady (ok, she got divorced and we suspect it were husband's books...). While I bored myself the lady offered me to take some books as well. In the end I had two big bags full of books as well. Some are quite interesting. This was really great. Im looking forward to read them. It was lovely to browse through the bookshelves and take whatever I wanted. My paradise looks a bit like this... A very nice evening and yet another nice end of a lovely day.
A friend of mine showed me his liking of the Clash. The only Clash song I knew so far was Should I stay or should i go. Reminds me of my a-level celebration...
Tuesday, 16 October 2007
Sunday, 14 October 2007
Hola, esta dias festiwo!
alrite, my spanish is crap. i admit. it should translate as today is your (female) birthday. every spanish speaking person, please have a proper laugh now! mi casa es su casa! it was a bloody attempt to learn spanish from a dictionary more than 12 years ago. and it defo failed. i did a spanish course a few years after but i forgot everything again. i could introduce myself and ask some very simple questions. i could even understand a bit (but more due to my blessed knowledged of latin). but, really, i dont know any spanish.
however, its not what im talking about here. i had dinner with friends yesterday again, which was really good. only two of them and i did the cooking. it was rather spontaneous. really nice. these kind of occasions are really nice to top up my social balance. it means that this is one thing i learned during the last year. doing a phd involves a lot of working and thinking alone. a hell of a lot. at the end, there is no one who know as much about your topic as you know. it is a bit loophole and more than tempting to stick to this pattern and try to work it all out on your own. but it doesnt work, nor is it healthy. you need something else. no matter what it is. either you talk about your topic with someone to get another opinion or just go out and drunk. it helps quite a lot. you ll see that there is a life beyond the desk and you can recharge the battery for just another round of papers and proposals. one of the main objectives for me now is to go out on a regular basis and/or to visit friends. and get things working.
however, there was a somehow festive day for me. for the first time in my life i got stopped by police in the night to have a breath test. im not proud of it and it showed me that i should stop this immoral behaviour. i had more drinks than allowed, i wasnt drunk tho. tipsy, yes, but not drunk. i took the test and stated that i had half a pint, I didnt say the whole truth to be really honest. i think i never lied this much before. the test was positive and showed a warning. the officer allowed me to finished my journey and recommended to have at least a one day's rest. nothing happened, except that i somehow changed my mind regarding driving. this was really a warning and nothing less.
dunno what to say. i have been driving tipsy or otherwise intoxicated (i can recall a trip back home from a gig where we had a few bits of weed, this is all i say) before but this was the first time i was stopped. and further from that, i think im defo too old to prove my manliness by driving toxicated. bloody hell, i should be a grown up by now.
p.s. and on tv there is stansted airport, my main hub to the world (something with nicole kidman)
however, its not what im talking about here. i had dinner with friends yesterday again, which was really good. only two of them and i did the cooking. it was rather spontaneous. really nice. these kind of occasions are really nice to top up my social balance. it means that this is one thing i learned during the last year. doing a phd involves a lot of working and thinking alone. a hell of a lot. at the end, there is no one who know as much about your topic as you know. it is a bit loophole and more than tempting to stick to this pattern and try to work it all out on your own. but it doesnt work, nor is it healthy. you need something else. no matter what it is. either you talk about your topic with someone to get another opinion or just go out and drunk. it helps quite a lot. you ll see that there is a life beyond the desk and you can recharge the battery for just another round of papers and proposals. one of the main objectives for me now is to go out on a regular basis and/or to visit friends. and get things working.
however, there was a somehow festive day for me. for the first time in my life i got stopped by police in the night to have a breath test. im not proud of it and it showed me that i should stop this immoral behaviour. i had more drinks than allowed, i wasnt drunk tho. tipsy, yes, but not drunk. i took the test and stated that i had half a pint, I didnt say the whole truth to be really honest. i think i never lied this much before. the test was positive and showed a warning. the officer allowed me to finished my journey and recommended to have at least a one day's rest. nothing happened, except that i somehow changed my mind regarding driving. this was really a warning and nothing less.
dunno what to say. i have been driving tipsy or otherwise intoxicated (i can recall a trip back home from a gig where we had a few bits of weed, this is all i say) before but this was the first time i was stopped. and further from that, i think im defo too old to prove my manliness by driving toxicated. bloody hell, i should be a grown up by now.
p.s. and on tv there is stansted airport, my main hub to the world (something with nicole kidman)
Germany
Well, then, with a two month delay, here is a post on my germany stay during the summer. there are several reasons for this trip. first, there is nothing else to do really during the summer. essex uni dies shortly after the exames, meaning that there is no one around really after mid june and it is kind of boring to stay in essex during late july and august. second, i had a job in my old university and i had to be present a couple of days a week. third, catching up with my german friends. fourth, getting some vacation... there are probably more reason why to go back to germany.
i already wrote that i went to berlin with a friend and here are some pics from it. it is quite nice to see berlin more from a side of a foreign tourist than of a german going to his or her capital. it is different. as a german, i would say, berlin is arrogant and all berliners are ignorant people. i feel a bit strange there. every time i went there before i always got the feeling of "feel inferior, you are just a bloke from the country site". anyhow, this time it was quite fun. we had sushi and went to see some museums (apart from generally hanging around and feeling like "city slackers"). i enjoyed it and changed my mind a bit (tho, i still wouldnt see berlin on top of my places-to-live-list). We went to the german history museum which was very interesting. i have never been there before, partially because i took history in a-level and studied history. but it was really interesting to fill my book-knowledge with some real pictures. for my company it was interesting to see this as well as the knowledge only comes from books or films otherwise.
soon after berlin i re-started my uni job. it was interesting in the end. there were some boring times and things to do (entering 2000 numbers on a few days each, repetitive tasks....etc.). but i learned a lot of things: more things on social network analysis, how the german uni systems really works (or rather, confirmation), i even were invited to giving a paper next year. i really enjoyed doing the work. after finishing it i felt like as i have done something very important. it also showed me, that this is the thing i will do for the next years...
apart from that i tried to have a vacation. i went out with friends and were drunk more than once. i went to potsdam to see sanssouci where i havent been for ages. i went to krefeld to see my godchild whom i havent seen for ages either, etc. i met friend i havent seen for ages, even quite sad encounters (on of them has HIV but he's alright, quite strange to meet him tho, depressive a bit). One got married in september (congrats!), others managed to get the break even in business or music. i really cant put it in words. this summer was like a journey back and forth in time at the same time. it was the final realisation that lifes go on, mine and others, and that at some points you have to more on somehow. ypu can read into it what you want. but there is no need for nostaligia. i think the most important lesson of life is to enjoy it every second and if you can't then enjoyed it afterwards and be happy. it is defo too short to miserable and depressive all the time. when i look back on my post a few weeks ago i kind of start to laugh. of course, i felt really pissed off then, but at the end of the day i have to look forward and now i enjoy it again. i made my peace, no hard feelings. but most of all, i had a really good time overall in germany. i dont and cant live there anymore. but it is always nice to go back and have a time off. to know, that there is a place where i feel at home and which is not just my laptop.
omg, quite sentimentel here. this is not really how i feel. there was one incident where i was moved and happy at the same time. on a church's wall directly on the german border were inscription, dating back to the 1920s. and from the time of the berlin wall. it was impossible to get to this church during that time but the soldiers serving at the wall wrote things on it. the church as such was pretty much boring and normal but those writings were like a book full of stories. i loved reading the inscriptions and think about those people who have written "i love you marta, K.R. 1934" or "4.35 o'clock 1984, EK 4.6.1985", referring to the time of patrol and the date of discharge of a border soldier. This was really interesting and i would love to have pics here. or invite you over to read them yourselves. It's not only my history being an east german but also the history of the cold war where the leaders might have followed a hard stand but the people at the bottom where just ordinary beings, happy with their family and pissed off with being on guard 24/7 for the respective other enemy and freezing their bums in a cold winter night. especially if the "enemy" was just across the lake.
however, here are some pics. im not really in the mood to write anything more. it was nice in germany and it did me good and i really enjoyed it (in the retroperspective), even tho i dont wanny go back. love it. first there are some pics from berlin and potsdam and then from the area near my hometown.
Sushi 4 4 4 2
Bit of physical exercise here and there
Well, short trip to England in between
If the arrow goes up, It just can get upwards
i already wrote that i went to berlin with a friend and here are some pics from it. it is quite nice to see berlin more from a side of a foreign tourist than of a german going to his or her capital. it is different. as a german, i would say, berlin is arrogant and all berliners are ignorant people. i feel a bit strange there. every time i went there before i always got the feeling of "feel inferior, you are just a bloke from the country site". anyhow, this time it was quite fun. we had sushi and went to see some museums (apart from generally hanging around and feeling like "city slackers"). i enjoyed it and changed my mind a bit (tho, i still wouldnt see berlin on top of my places-to-live-list). We went to the german history museum which was very interesting. i have never been there before, partially because i took history in a-level and studied history. but it was really interesting to fill my book-knowledge with some real pictures. for my company it was interesting to see this as well as the knowledge only comes from books or films otherwise.
soon after berlin i re-started my uni job. it was interesting in the end. there were some boring times and things to do (entering 2000 numbers on a few days each, repetitive tasks....etc.). but i learned a lot of things: more things on social network analysis, how the german uni systems really works (or rather, confirmation), i even were invited to giving a paper next year. i really enjoyed doing the work. after finishing it i felt like as i have done something very important. it also showed me, that this is the thing i will do for the next years...
apart from that i tried to have a vacation. i went out with friends and were drunk more than once. i went to potsdam to see sanssouci where i havent been for ages. i went to krefeld to see my godchild whom i havent seen for ages either, etc. i met friend i havent seen for ages, even quite sad encounters (on of them has HIV but he's alright, quite strange to meet him tho, depressive a bit). One got married in september (congrats!), others managed to get the break even in business or music. i really cant put it in words. this summer was like a journey back and forth in time at the same time. it was the final realisation that lifes go on, mine and others, and that at some points you have to more on somehow. ypu can read into it what you want. but there is no need for nostaligia. i think the most important lesson of life is to enjoy it every second and if you can't then enjoyed it afterwards and be happy. it is defo too short to miserable and depressive all the time. when i look back on my post a few weeks ago i kind of start to laugh. of course, i felt really pissed off then, but at the end of the day i have to look forward and now i enjoy it again. i made my peace, no hard feelings. but most of all, i had a really good time overall in germany. i dont and cant live there anymore. but it is always nice to go back and have a time off. to know, that there is a place where i feel at home and which is not just my laptop.
omg, quite sentimentel here. this is not really how i feel. there was one incident where i was moved and happy at the same time. on a church's wall directly on the german border were inscription, dating back to the 1920s. and from the time of the berlin wall. it was impossible to get to this church during that time but the soldiers serving at the wall wrote things on it. the church as such was pretty much boring and normal but those writings were like a book full of stories. i loved reading the inscriptions and think about those people who have written "i love you marta, K.R. 1934" or "4.35 o'clock 1984, EK 4.6.1985", referring to the time of patrol and the date of discharge of a border soldier. This was really interesting and i would love to have pics here. or invite you over to read them yourselves. It's not only my history being an east german but also the history of the cold war where the leaders might have followed a hard stand but the people at the bottom where just ordinary beings, happy with their family and pissed off with being on guard 24/7 for the respective other enemy and freezing their bums in a cold winter night. especially if the "enemy" was just across the lake.
however, here are some pics. im not really in the mood to write anything more. it was nice in germany and it did me good and i really enjoyed it (in the retroperspective), even tho i dont wanny go back. love it. first there are some pics from berlin and potsdam and then from the area near my hometown.
Sushi 4 4 4 2
Bit of physical exercise here and there
Well, short trip to England in between
If the arrow goes up, It just can get upwards
Wednesday, 10 October 2007
Rain all over the place
Today was one of those days where you are glad when you have a car... it was raining the whole day until 5 o'clock sharp. my office moved and the new one is more or less at the other end of the campus in a portacabin. really nice. as there is no proper internet connection i have to go to a computerlab to check and write emails. this wouldnt be a problem as such but today it took about 50mtrs until i was drown by the pouring rain. hence i had quite a lot of showers today and i was thinking why the hell did i had one in the morning..? anyway, i read a few pages today and got some things done. actually quite successful. i didnt go by car to uni tho. it wasnt that hard raining in the morning and from my experience as a proper ex-germany-now-living-in-england-german i was expecting the rain to stop after a few minutes. it didnt. anyhow. i had nice dinner in the eve and met some very nice known and unknown people. i just got in and probably will go to bed soonish, excited about what tomorrow will bring me! happiness all over the place. the thoughts are free (i aint sure if this translation of Die Gedanken sind frei is actually right... my english is crap)
Proper '90s music. For me one of the best clips ever made. And, of course, the title - No Rain - fits perfectly the agenda of today. Maybe not the lyrics as such, but the title. I did a few sun dances today...
Proper '90s music. For me one of the best clips ever made. And, of course, the title - No Rain - fits perfectly the agenda of today. Maybe not the lyrics as such, but the title. I did a few sun dances today...
Tuesday, 9 October 2007
Sunday, 7 October 2007
Saturday, 6 October 2007
Softer than a shandy drinking Southener...
The title of this post was an advert i saw quite often in scotland. i liked it for three reasons: soft, shandy and south. Im from the south of england (something which has become clearer during my germany stay. i cant convincingly say im german anymore. i feel more english now...). i liked and like shandy, especially in the summer. sitting in a beergarden, under trees, sun on my mind, friends,... great. well, yep. im kind of a schattenparker. i like warm showers. so what?! get over it.
so, i was in scotland recently. i have been there before with friends, but it was more camping and driving around the west, north coast. this time i was invited to give a paper at the work employment society conference of the bsa at aberdeen university. its a triennal event and internationally recognised (even tho i didnt got into their journal because of my bad english writing. one of the papers i submitted while in germany...maybe because nobody really can make sense of my confusing things. who knows. if these are my only worries, great...!?!). my papers was due on thursday, the 13th of september, and i went to aberdeen on the wednesday before. the train journey was already a highlight. it was along the coast and long enough to get some work done. it reminded me of my trip through america a few years ago. it was almost like going up the no 1 highway alongside the pacific again. there was supposed to come someone with me but it didnt happen. i wish i could have shared this with someone. it was some of these moments where you think, great this is why im here. it just makes you happy, no matter what else happens. aberdeen was great. i stayed a bit outside, near a mcdonalds and a lidl. still fun. aberdeen looks a bit like iceland. the town is somehow cuddling itself to the mountains. it ducks into the valley and its greyness is really attractive. its not the prettiest town in the world, for sure, but it is quite attractive. i really am in love with it. i want to go there as soon as possible. the presentation went fine. i saw some familiar faces around ( i guess at some point, you always meet the same persons at conferences...and they will be your only friends...;) )but rather false than no friends. i had a serious discussion about my paper with someone from finland. there were quite valuable comments on my paper. on that eve, i went to the conference dinner where there was nice scottish music and talks. not like the usual stuff, where you only get tuna mayonaise and chicken sweetcorn sandwiches at conferences. it was really worth the money. of course, i did some sightseeing around the conf. aberdeen is the port for many oil and gas rigs in the north sea. the coast is europanised, meaning that a lot of funding has gone into recultivating old ship yeards. it is quite nice out there and i even managed to nick a golf ball from a golf range. no one caught me. meanwhile i was preparing to become the next king of scotland, but without that head off part. it worked well and we even had a dinner to praise royalty... but im distractive now. back to scotland. i love aberdeen. its a strange city and somehow dismissive on a first sight. but behind its face, its attractive and one of the most beautiful cities of the world. one should defo go there once in a lifetime. I love it.
on the following friday i went to edinburgh to have a bit more of a holiday. i cant say anything coz im still speechless. i have been to edinburgh before but only to the princess street part. this time i had much, much, much more. i saw holy road park. the quays, high street, leith,... it was breathtaking. im really serious now. it was breathtaking. i could have sit down and died there, with a broad smile on my face. the sun was setting down, mirroring in the new scottsih parliament and holy road park, from which you could overlook the whole city. it was more than amazing. i didnt thought it would be like that before. i didnt really do. i was surprised and overwhelmend. at that moment something changed in me. i dont know yet what, but something did. it was amazing. this is really all what i can say. im really in debt to the conference organisers for inviting me. for the people giving me such a great time over there. i cant express my graditute enough. now its going sentimental: i would like to thank michel hall for her laughing, lara for her caring, my parents for saying its a state of emergency, bsa for considering my already known paper worthwile, john for his unexpressed comments, gnrail for taking the traditional route, the dancing queen for texting back, the orange something for being in my life, my brother for being my brother, my friends here and there, for the mentioning of "you cant buy really shoes before you try them", the soul who needs to let catch up the soul, dave the punk, frau t., emss, yvonne, ms fagin. its strange. there are so many people in my life i would like to thank and still there would be only one who i would mention. anyhow. im not starving for going sentimentel now. its not the time and place right now. scotland was really nice and i defo want to got there again. it attracted me and made me falling into love with it. i never thought so before but aberdeen and edingburgh are a few of the cities i could live in immedialy. like vancouver. seattle. hamburg. flagstaff. chicago. st jordi. wustrow. frisco. quebec. freyburg.
im crying now deep inside my heart. i really do.. scotland was really moving, more than i could ever express in a post in my blog... if i could be able to stop the time it would have been there... i cant go into detail anymore, have a look at the pictures. it was certaintly one of the best times of my life. there are defo others, but this was great as well.
Not even a queen on those ones
In an academic world you sometimes have to turn your head to find the truth... Aberdeen University (and I right in the middle)
Big smile there
Scottish Parliament, Rebus would have been amazed and Queen Mary anayway
Nice one, a bit like Amsterdan
Inspector Rebus would be attentive there
p.s. im a bit lazy now, tho i have quite a lot to write here. maybe not sophisticated, high-flying stuff. but yet. i try to do a post on my germany stay (pics are already uploaded, for weeks) and the stats thing soon. i have very nice graphs for the stats of which im very, very proud of and happy about. they really make me smile.
so, i was in scotland recently. i have been there before with friends, but it was more camping and driving around the west, north coast. this time i was invited to give a paper at the work employment society conference of the bsa at aberdeen university. its a triennal event and internationally recognised (even tho i didnt got into their journal because of my bad english writing. one of the papers i submitted while in germany...maybe because nobody really can make sense of my confusing things. who knows. if these are my only worries, great...!?!). my papers was due on thursday, the 13th of september, and i went to aberdeen on the wednesday before. the train journey was already a highlight. it was along the coast and long enough to get some work done. it reminded me of my trip through america a few years ago. it was almost like going up the no 1 highway alongside the pacific again. there was supposed to come someone with me but it didnt happen. i wish i could have shared this with someone. it was some of these moments where you think, great this is why im here. it just makes you happy, no matter what else happens. aberdeen was great. i stayed a bit outside, near a mcdonalds and a lidl. still fun. aberdeen looks a bit like iceland. the town is somehow cuddling itself to the mountains. it ducks into the valley and its greyness is really attractive. its not the prettiest town in the world, for sure, but it is quite attractive. i really am in love with it. i want to go there as soon as possible. the presentation went fine. i saw some familiar faces around ( i guess at some point, you always meet the same persons at conferences...and they will be your only friends...;) )but rather false than no friends. i had a serious discussion about my paper with someone from finland. there were quite valuable comments on my paper. on that eve, i went to the conference dinner where there was nice scottish music and talks. not like the usual stuff, where you only get tuna mayonaise and chicken sweetcorn sandwiches at conferences. it was really worth the money. of course, i did some sightseeing around the conf. aberdeen is the port for many oil and gas rigs in the north sea. the coast is europanised, meaning that a lot of funding has gone into recultivating old ship yeards. it is quite nice out there and i even managed to nick a golf ball from a golf range. no one caught me. meanwhile i was preparing to become the next king of scotland, but without that head off part. it worked well and we even had a dinner to praise royalty... but im distractive now. back to scotland. i love aberdeen. its a strange city and somehow dismissive on a first sight. but behind its face, its attractive and one of the most beautiful cities of the world. one should defo go there once in a lifetime. I love it.
on the following friday i went to edinburgh to have a bit more of a holiday. i cant say anything coz im still speechless. i have been to edinburgh before but only to the princess street part. this time i had much, much, much more. i saw holy road park. the quays, high street, leith,... it was breathtaking. im really serious now. it was breathtaking. i could have sit down and died there, with a broad smile on my face. the sun was setting down, mirroring in the new scottsih parliament and holy road park, from which you could overlook the whole city. it was more than amazing. i didnt thought it would be like that before. i didnt really do. i was surprised and overwhelmend. at that moment something changed in me. i dont know yet what, but something did. it was amazing. this is really all what i can say. im really in debt to the conference organisers for inviting me. for the people giving me such a great time over there. i cant express my graditute enough. now its going sentimental: i would like to thank michel hall for her laughing, lara for her caring, my parents for saying its a state of emergency, bsa for considering my already known paper worthwile, john for his unexpressed comments, gnrail for taking the traditional route, the dancing queen for texting back, the orange something for being in my life, my brother for being my brother, my friends here and there, for the mentioning of "you cant buy really shoes before you try them", the soul who needs to let catch up the soul, dave the punk, frau t., emss, yvonne, ms fagin. its strange. there are so many people in my life i would like to thank and still there would be only one who i would mention. anyhow. im not starving for going sentimentel now. its not the time and place right now. scotland was really nice and i defo want to got there again. it attracted me and made me falling into love with it. i never thought so before but aberdeen and edingburgh are a few of the cities i could live in immedialy. like vancouver. seattle. hamburg. flagstaff. chicago. st jordi. wustrow. frisco. quebec. freyburg.
im crying now deep inside my heart. i really do.. scotland was really moving, more than i could ever express in a post in my blog... if i could be able to stop the time it would have been there... i cant go into detail anymore, have a look at the pictures. it was certaintly one of the best times of my life. there are defo others, but this was great as well.
Not even a queen on those ones
In an academic world you sometimes have to turn your head to find the truth... Aberdeen University (and I right in the middle)
Big smile there
Scottish Parliament, Rebus would have been amazed and Queen Mary anayway
Nice one, a bit like Amsterdan
Inspector Rebus would be attentive there
p.s. im a bit lazy now, tho i have quite a lot to write here. maybe not sophisticated, high-flying stuff. but yet. i try to do a post on my germany stay (pics are already uploaded, for weeks) and the stats thing soon. i have very nice graphs for the stats of which im very, very proud of and happy about. they really make me smile.
Thursday, 27 September 2007
The way the mind crumbles...
I have been invited for a talk in Germany in late October and booked flights yesterday. The return journey wasnt the difficulty. Only the outward journey. Well, I was looking for the cheapest fare and there were a few to Germany. Even one to the closest airport. So I booked it and got the confirmation email. When I entered the exact date into my diary I saw that I accidently booked a flight to berlin which isnt't exactly what i thought i did... and it would have been 7 in the morning but i have to teach on that day. my mind is really crumbling right now. There have been other such things before (rental car for one instead for 4 days, deleting my most important variable, ...) They would never have happened before. I mean little things, yes, of course. But not such things. Ah great. The sappy PhD.
(Oh, I could change the flight to the airport i originally wanted to, for free)
(Oh, I could change the flight to the airport i originally wanted to, for free)
Wednesday, 26 September 2007
Wellbeing for wellbeing
What happened yesterday then with my stats which screwed everything a bit? Stata (the stats software im using) has two nice options. both are metaphorically taking notes of what im doing (log files where commands and outputs are echoed in. this would be the technical explanation). one is just writing down what im typing in while the other does that and also makes notes on all things that happen around, writing down tables, graphs, things like those. Yesterday evening i cleaned the simple note taker to have only useful things in them and not every little piece of shit (yes, i really just mean stats, nothing else). I also told it to rewrite itself and the other, extended note taker. As I said it worked well. Except that I forget to include commands for creating my wellbeing variable. so at the end of it all, i had a good looking note taker but i had no dependent variable. and the dependent variable is usually the core of every advanced analysis. if you dont have any you are practically screwed.
when i worked on it the first time i turned the simple note taker off because i didnt wanted to spoil it with my trial and errors. i remember that i wanted to write down afterwards what i did so i could write the proper syntax into my note taker. but i somehow forgot to do it. and while cleaning the simple note taker yesterday eve i forgot again. To cut it short, It was completely my fault. And it is something which shouldnt happen at all. it is quite embarrassing to be honest. Same category like Schumacher kills his engine during start, you order two double shots when a police officer stops you in your car while you are drunk, you call your new girlfriend by your ex's name...
anyhow it is. today i created a new wellbeing variable which is even better than the old one. it took about two hours, much less than anticipated. now im happier than i was before and everything is fine. with wellbeing i did something for my wellbeing. tomorrow i will do the rest of the analysis. yep, these are my woes but im fine with them, even if they are overrated compared to others'.
France Gall "Poupée de Cire, Poupée de Son" (yep, she did "Ella, Elle l'a" later on...)
when i worked on it the first time i turned the simple note taker off because i didnt wanted to spoil it with my trial and errors. i remember that i wanted to write down afterwards what i did so i could write the proper syntax into my note taker. but i somehow forgot to do it. and while cleaning the simple note taker yesterday eve i forgot again. To cut it short, It was completely my fault. And it is something which shouldnt happen at all. it is quite embarrassing to be honest. Same category like Schumacher kills his engine during start, you order two double shots when a police officer stops you in your car while you are drunk, you call your new girlfriend by your ex's name...
anyhow it is. today i created a new wellbeing variable which is even better than the old one. it took about two hours, much less than anticipated. now im happier than i was before and everything is fine. with wellbeing i did something for my wellbeing. tomorrow i will do the rest of the analysis. yep, these are my woes but im fine with them, even if they are overrated compared to others'.
France Gall "Poupée de Cire, Poupée de Son" (yep, she did "Ella, Elle l'a" later on...)
Tuesday, 25 September 2007
Change of plan
You shall not count your chickens before dawn. I intended to go to bed shortly after my last post and have a good night's sleep before I get into that vicious circle of less sleep for the praise of academia again. However, I got an email from my supervisor around 1ish asking me to write something for him. Well, to be honest, I asked him to write something for me and he just asked if I could prepare that writing for him which is just fair enough. Because it is more than urgent (not very much too write tho, yet I have to think about every sentence 10 times for making it accurate) I did it now. It's off to him now and hopefully he can already sign it on Wednesday. Little things like these are just adding in right now but I'm still happy. Sleep later.
Monday, 24 September 2007
YES
...Today was a particularly good day. I was working on my stats syntax for 4 hours to make it all clean and straight before I go into multivariate statistics. Getting rid of variables I just had for testing purposes. Adding comments to each command. At the end I had a good looking syntax which produces me a good looking dataset with a clean output file. It works really nice. It even irrevocably deleted my wellbeing variable. The core of my analysis, the one I definitely need. Yes, finally, I'm happy. Last time it only took me 5 hours to create the variable. I think I will have a very nice tomorrow morning. Seriously, I'm happy. I'm laughing.
My cousin sent me this one. I like the lyrics. K-OS "Sunday Morning"
My cousin sent me this one. I like the lyrics. K-OS "Sunday Morning"
what I do next
"If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts." Einstein
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it well and serenely...” Emerson
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it well and serenely...” Emerson
OMG
...I can mourn. I had to let steam off yesterday. Deep inside, Im really pissed off by how it is at the moment. Yesterday, I could have thrown my computer out of the window, screaming you "fucking blessing-of-the-postindustrial-age-bastard, do the hell i have in mind on this bloody statistics!!!!" I didnt. It felt good to "scream" and mourn in my blog instead. No swearing anymore in the near future.
Sunday, 23 September 2007
My problem has a name
... and it is called Eurobarometer44_2-Stata. Of course, everyone who thinks something of her-, him- or itself has a double-name. By the way, these were quite fashionable during the 90s in Germany. Now you are going back to one surname only. anyhow it is, my problem is stata in conjunction with Eurobarometer 44_2 (not to mention Eurobarometer 56_1, this is the next on my desk). To put it short, I'm basically screwed. I have been sitting on this for month now and all I managed to do was to write the syntax, so that I might get some results from it. I'm stuck. I'm more than stuck. This is almost getting nowhere. I could finish it tomorrow if I want to (or have to). But with every little thing I solve there will be a new thing/problem. I have several difficulties: firstly, this is a huge dataset and Im scared that i will mess it up and get some "subjective" outcomes, things im looking for but which are not true in the end; i manipulate the data until it fits my imagination. second, its the first time im working with stata and almost everything is new; nonetheless, stata is better than spss, but only once you figured out how it works (and im still working on it). thirdly, i have no one who i can talk to about this; who in hell is bothering with stats??? i dont want to talk to geeks; stats isnt my favorite and will never be, but the only ones who know about stats seems to be geeks. paska. fourthly, once i cracked one problem there will be defo another one. this is what i am working on today, yesterday, the day before, the day before the day before, the day before the day before the day before, ...
ok, what im trying to achieve is to have a variable which comprehends 15 (or so) others and gives me an indication how people will or wont get sick from their job. it would be easy if there is only one option, people can choose from, and not for each variable one. this problem isnt really solvable in a good way, except ignoring individual choices and just comprehend them somehow. This would be the easiest one. but why do i want to have it like this? everyone can do it. i really dont know why. im really screwed here. i really would need one, telling me you will be fine. i believe in you. you will get it done. this is what i would need right now. no pity, no tipps (tho i wouldnt say no to them). all i need is emotional support. the rest will be solved. i hope i can somehow solve this kind of problem quite soon and everything will be alright. about the other difficulties i have. i think i can manage them somehow. of course it is a new software but the more i do the more i will know about it. it was the same with spss. before i did my masters i know the basic functions of spss but nothing more. the more i did on spss the more i got to know and i now know what someone can do on spss and what not. Secondly, i wont mess up the data really. i have a play-along dataset with which i can try out commands, im not quite sure about, and at the end only things i need will be saved. i dont have any worries there. even if the outcomes just fit my imagination, so be it. no one will ever bother to calculate things i did. too much work. im defo on the safe side there. just, thirdly, i do miss a person i can talk to. not necessarily about specific commands or so. the person doesnt have to be an expert in stats. just someone who can give some valuable feedback in the form of, you will get through it or maybe even, why havent you tried this. this would be great. but there isnt anyone like this, tho there are a few in germany (but far away).and finally, also problems are not solvable as luhmann would say. i think i can solve them. and they are just some form of excitement. with every new problem that evolves i will get the motivation to solve it. it made me really, really, really happy the other day when i solved that one problem which bothered me for weeks. all i need to do was to type an ` instead of an ' . but you have to know that. i was really, really happy. i know i will crack the problem i described above and in the picture. i will defo laugh about his in a few days time.
my parents offered me that i can come back to germany when i cant cope with this anymore. i dont even have to say a word. just come back to germany. i said no because, so far it has been more or less the best time of my life. i have developed and im the person i like to be, with past and history. im happy about all what happend, what it made out of me. i rejected the offer. tho it is really good to know i have it. im not seriously thinking about it. im spending a thought here and there. there are many issues involved with it. its somehow again a crucial turning point. i cant go back to germany really. i dont fit it there anymore. i could stay here. but somehow it feels, as if i decide now how the rest of my life will look like. the option which seems quite likely is that i will finish my phd and then go to the place wherever i find a job. be it england. be it us. be it canada. be it australia or alaska (both are the ideal, at least for a year or so). my holidays will depend on conferences where i will give papers (and these can be everywhere). my relationships will be long distance or short-term until the next move. most friendships will be bound by time, basically limited by the time im at one certain place. this mind sound tempting to some, that you can travel, will see places, be international, be excited all the time.... but on the other hand, it is quite scary because at the end of the day, my only HOME will be my laptop where i have access to the internet. there i can chat with friends, talk about my life, check my emails. it will be my base, nothing else. i will be homeless in a global age (no worries there, i possibly wont end up sleeping under a bridge). you can say its ok, come over it and get yourself together. but think seriously about it. do seriously. i will always be somehow on the run. to the next job. to the next country. there wont (probably) a fix point, except my laptop. it is tempting tho. but scary as well. i know i can go back to germany and will meet friends i ve known for ages. but at the end of the day, i will be somehow a lost person. lost in globalised world. i cant even start a relationship now because who the hell knows where i will be in 2 years?!? not in essex, not in germany. thats for sure. but were else. im lost. im really lost. i hope that at the end of the day i could say "all right now". I really hope so.
Free All right now
I think it will be like this. Being a lost person. nowhere at home, except where my laptop is and where i can communicate with my friends who might be next door or 1000s of kilometers away. i will be alright, and i dont want any pity. just some kind of, you are strong, you will get through it, i believe in you, would be nice. i will arrange with it. i will defo laugh about this post in 20 years time. now, it just scars me. im really scared. deep inside i feel lost, whatever i pretend to be on the outside.
I dont know what to write anymore. Im screwed here and I would have needed some mental support. that's all. nothing more and nothing less.
ok, what im trying to achieve is to have a variable which comprehends 15 (or so) others and gives me an indication how people will or wont get sick from their job. it would be easy if there is only one option, people can choose from, and not for each variable one. this problem isnt really solvable in a good way, except ignoring individual choices and just comprehend them somehow. This would be the easiest one. but why do i want to have it like this? everyone can do it. i really dont know why. im really screwed here. i really would need one, telling me you will be fine. i believe in you. you will get it done. this is what i would need right now. no pity, no tipps (tho i wouldnt say no to them). all i need is emotional support. the rest will be solved. i hope i can somehow solve this kind of problem quite soon and everything will be alright. about the other difficulties i have. i think i can manage them somehow. of course it is a new software but the more i do the more i will know about it. it was the same with spss. before i did my masters i know the basic functions of spss but nothing more. the more i did on spss the more i got to know and i now know what someone can do on spss and what not. Secondly, i wont mess up the data really. i have a play-along dataset with which i can try out commands, im not quite sure about, and at the end only things i need will be saved. i dont have any worries there. even if the outcomes just fit my imagination, so be it. no one will ever bother to calculate things i did. too much work. im defo on the safe side there. just, thirdly, i do miss a person i can talk to. not necessarily about specific commands or so. the person doesnt have to be an expert in stats. just someone who can give some valuable feedback in the form of, you will get through it or maybe even, why havent you tried this. this would be great. but there isnt anyone like this, tho there are a few in germany (but far away).and finally, also problems are not solvable as luhmann would say. i think i can solve them. and they are just some form of excitement. with every new problem that evolves i will get the motivation to solve it. it made me really, really, really happy the other day when i solved that one problem which bothered me for weeks. all i need to do was to type an ` instead of an ' . but you have to know that. i was really, really happy. i know i will crack the problem i described above and in the picture. i will defo laugh about his in a few days time.
my parents offered me that i can come back to germany when i cant cope with this anymore. i dont even have to say a word. just come back to germany. i said no because, so far it has been more or less the best time of my life. i have developed and im the person i like to be, with past and history. im happy about all what happend, what it made out of me. i rejected the offer. tho it is really good to know i have it. im not seriously thinking about it. im spending a thought here and there. there are many issues involved with it. its somehow again a crucial turning point. i cant go back to germany really. i dont fit it there anymore. i could stay here. but somehow it feels, as if i decide now how the rest of my life will look like. the option which seems quite likely is that i will finish my phd and then go to the place wherever i find a job. be it england. be it us. be it canada. be it australia or alaska (both are the ideal, at least for a year or so). my holidays will depend on conferences where i will give papers (and these can be everywhere). my relationships will be long distance or short-term until the next move. most friendships will be bound by time, basically limited by the time im at one certain place. this mind sound tempting to some, that you can travel, will see places, be international, be excited all the time.... but on the other hand, it is quite scary because at the end of the day, my only HOME will be my laptop where i have access to the internet. there i can chat with friends, talk about my life, check my emails. it will be my base, nothing else. i will be homeless in a global age (no worries there, i possibly wont end up sleeping under a bridge). you can say its ok, come over it and get yourself together. but think seriously about it. do seriously. i will always be somehow on the run. to the next job. to the next country. there wont (probably) a fix point, except my laptop. it is tempting tho. but scary as well. i know i can go back to germany and will meet friends i ve known for ages. but at the end of the day, i will be somehow a lost person. lost in globalised world. i cant even start a relationship now because who the hell knows where i will be in 2 years?!? not in essex, not in germany. thats for sure. but were else. im lost. im really lost. i hope that at the end of the day i could say "all right now". I really hope so.
Free All right now
I think it will be like this. Being a lost person. nowhere at home, except where my laptop is and where i can communicate with my friends who might be next door or 1000s of kilometers away. i will be alright, and i dont want any pity. just some kind of, you are strong, you will get through it, i believe in you, would be nice. i will arrange with it. i will defo laugh about this post in 20 years time. now, it just scars me. im really scared. deep inside i feel lost, whatever i pretend to be on the outside.
I dont know what to write anymore. Im screwed here and I would have needed some mental support. that's all. nothing more and nothing less.
So
Ich habs heute beendet. Ging einfach nicht, der Kopf war nicht wirklich frei und ich konnte nicht das geben, was sie verdient hätte. War trotzdem sehr schön. Und ich bin um die Erfahrung reicher, dass es auch wirklich "normale" da draußen gibt. Ich werd dann mal ins Bett gehen. Bis denn
Friday, 21 September 2007
Es geht doch
Man konnte ja schon etwas verfolgen, wie das hier so läuft. Von wegen, europäische Mitbürger erklären mich für verrückt, das mit ihrem exfreund ist nicht so wie es aussieht (alles ganz anders, ja...), und ich könnte ohne sie nicht überleben. nunja, wie auch immer, heute hatte ich ein paar freunde da. solche freunde, die mich - laut aussage unserer Mitbürger - immer wie nichts behandeln und alles arrogante a.löcher sind. und überraschenderweise, es war sehr schön. ich habe ihnen salat als vorspeise (eigenes dressing), frikassee als hauptspeiße und eierkuchen mit eis und custard als nachspeiße gereicht. sie waren hin und weg und es war sehr schön. wir haben uns so um 6 getroffen und dann ein paar schöne 4 stunden miteinander verbracht. sehr erholsam und ganz ungezwungen. und das beste war, dass ich nicht meine ganzen bücher verstecken musste (im übertragenen sinne), weil ich ja sonst mit ihnen angeben würde... es geht wirklich auch anders und ich hatte eine schöne zeit und die anderen auch. keine endlosen debatten darüber, ob meine vielen bücher ein ausdruck meiner ddr-vergangenheit sind. ob mein zuhören, wenn andere reden (auch wenns manchmal langweilig ist), ein zeichen von asperger syndrom ist und nicht etwa einfacherweise nur höflichkeit. im grunde konnte ich ich sein und musste mich nicht verstellen oder irgendjemandens vorstellungen genügen. hätt ich das mal (sehr, sehr) viel früher gewusst...
Randnotiz
Nur mal so am Rande: Ich arbeite türlich nicht nur an Statistik die ganze Zeit. Dat wär ja wohl auch etwas zu langweilig. Nebenbei arbeite ich auch am 10. Punkt meiner Liste.... Wir erinnern uns, die berühmte 10DingedieichbiszumEndedesJahresmachenwill-Liste, wo nur 9 Punkte drauf waren... Bisher zwomal getroffen und es jibt tatsächlich noch vernünftge auf dieser Erde... Sehr schön. Wat will man mehr.
Thursday, 20 September 2007
Bloody hell, I'm getting old
I'm sitting on stats now for almost two months. Not every day tho, still. While in Scotland I wanted to start with bivariate and multivariate analysis, facing one problem: how can I repeat a command for a set of independent variables in relation to a dependent variable? (e.g. I'ld like to know what increases wellbeing: haggis, music, milchreis, safeing the world, drunkeness, speeding, whatever, individually and together... nah seriously, participation, higher payment, respect, ...) bla bla bla. I never found the appropriate command that repeats others. Why? Instead of a " ` " i used " ' ". It was all there, in the manuals. But who is supposed to see that? Eagles with their sharp eyes but not average persons like me. Bloody hell. One simple character can screw you up.
Wednesday, 19 September 2007
What are the philosphical implications?
A:
By the way, Margarita and I will probably be at yours by 5.30pm. Hope that's fashionably late enough? The Commoner
B:
yep, the devilish details... but i'm working on that. come whenever you think its late enough to have a glorious entry. (but isnt the unexpected part of a fashionably late arrival? if so, then you wont arrive late as i now know when you will come and we just can adjust the starting time; or in other words, the unexpected is expected and the uncertainty of your arrival is certain. to retain the unexpected element of a fashionably late arrival, i think you shouldnt have said at what time you will arrive late so that we could have been sitting here and waiting, not knowing when you will come and, thus, being surprised when you come. I'm still not sure about the real philosophical implications... I think I should discuss this with x and y. Maybe a graph helps.
A:
Well, I'm lost for words, that last post should be published (not sure where). Just when I think I've got your number as an illiterate foreign royal, you astound me with your verbal acuity. Keep x out of the equation (even though we all enjoy mocking the afflicted, there are some limits) and literary success could be assured. Standard therapy's over-rated, too (other variations gratefully accepted). You could use a graph for illustrative purposes, perhaps? The Commoner
By the way, Margarita and I will probably be at yours by 5.30pm. Hope that's fashionably late enough? The Commoner
B:
yep, the devilish details... but i'm working on that. come whenever you think its late enough to have a glorious entry. (but isnt the unexpected part of a fashionably late arrival? if so, then you wont arrive late as i now know when you will come and we just can adjust the starting time; or in other words, the unexpected is expected and the uncertainty of your arrival is certain. to retain the unexpected element of a fashionably late arrival, i think you shouldnt have said at what time you will arrive late so that we could have been sitting here and waiting, not knowing when you will come and, thus, being surprised when you come. I'm still not sure about the real philosophical implications... I think I should discuss this with x and y. Maybe a graph helps.
A:
Well, I'm lost for words, that last post should be published (not sure where). Just when I think I've got your number as an illiterate foreign royal, you astound me with your verbal acuity. Keep x out of the equation (even though we all enjoy mocking the afflicted, there are some limits) and literary success could be assured. Standard therapy's over-rated, too (other variations gratefully accepted). You could use a graph for illustrative purposes, perhaps? The Commoner
Thursday, 13 September 2007
Haggis contd.
I just want to say that I might have Haggis now. Maybe it's better than last time. Apart from that the Oil Capital of Europe (quote) is astonishing.
Tuesday, 11 September 2007
Blessings of the post-industrial age
I wrote before that they have closed down my second office (outside the entrance to the sociology department) because they are renovating the computer labs there. Today they were tearing down the outside walls. Manually. A man standing on a ladder with a somewhat bigger hammer, punching against the wall until it collapses (or at least parts of it). Come on, this is ridiculous. He should enjoy the blessings of the industrial revolution where everything has become electric, even hammers. He's standing there for a good part of the day and will have muscle ache in the evening while it would take him half an hour with a proper electric machine. But maybe this is already a sign of a blessed post-industrial age where more 'personal' labour and efficient energy use is valued again... Who knows?!? I have just been laughing about this. Poor man. Job-creation measure; this is what I'm talking about.
Monday, 10 September 2007
3 years later
The Queen is on this one as wellThey do really exist, 50 pound notes. Unbelievable. Never saw one before and I guess even English have only heard of. Maybe I will see them soon again when I pay my rent. But maybe they will only be given to respectable people. Then I won't see any again.
On the road again
I just can't wait to get on the road again While driving back to england i was thinking quite a lot. One was would it be possible to get from england to germany with only one gas filling. if i drive carefully my car needs about 4.8 litres per hundred kilometers. the distance is approx. 1040 kilometres and the car tank is 55 litres. doing maths. it would be theoretically. Next time I will have a go at it.
(1040 kilometres might even be for some 1040 too much. Hm.)
(1040 kilometres might even be for some 1040 too much. Hm.)
Saturday, 8 September 2007
A sign?
After returning to england i went to my office in uni for checking mail and moving into my new office. anyhow, they closed down my second office!!! Remember, i have had two offices: one inside and the other one outside near the entrance where i smoked. Now only the inside office is left. maybe this is a sign and i should really stop smoking. or did i already? cant remember...
Saturday, 1 September 2007
Duck you sucker
Well, then, I think my experiment was a success. I could sleep shortly I wrote that post. So I can drink coffee again. Yippee-ki-yay, you coffee-makers. I'm back for coffee. I'll be pain in your coffee machine. I'm happy about, something good after days of misery.
For a fistful of coffee
I had a day off today and used my time for an experiment. I already wrote that I cant drink any coffee after 11 in the morning or coke after 8ish in the evening, without having to fear a sleepless night. In the last 5 weeks or so I have been drinking coffee here and there after that time and I could sleep. am wondering if this is just possible because I'm completely knackered or not. So today, I wanted to know it. I had coffee at 5 in the afternoon. And I'm still awake. It's quarter past 2 continental time. I guess, I will tell you tomorrow how this fistful of coffee has been dissolved in sleep.
Wednesday, 29 August 2007
Whats on?
Sorry for being a bit silent the last time. Have been working on stats and will do so for the next weeks. I've been struggling and fighting with it day in, day out. Tho I dont dislike stats it has been frustrating quite a lot. Problems that take valuable time away (and they arent even solved yet). One mistake that makes everything done obsolete and requires a restart. anyhow (i know, no one really cares about my mourning. i would give a shit too...)
tomorrow i have a first meeting with a company that is very interested in my research and hopefully will participate. Im quite nervous about it and have been preparing it the whole day. its pretty important to me as it is the next stage of my phd, and to be a bit melodramatic, its now really the point for which i have been studying and working since 2000. also, the company will serve as some form of reference for other companies, hopefully, showing them im not necessarily the "bad and ugly unionist guy" who starts a revolution right away. there are many points why tomorrow is important. but i dont really know why im writing this here. its not really your concern anyway.
Tempeau - Mädchen aus Greifswald; ex-Selig, ex-Zinoba
tomorrow i have a first meeting with a company that is very interested in my research and hopefully will participate. Im quite nervous about it and have been preparing it the whole day. its pretty important to me as it is the next stage of my phd, and to be a bit melodramatic, its now really the point for which i have been studying and working since 2000. also, the company will serve as some form of reference for other companies, hopefully, showing them im not necessarily the "bad and ugly unionist guy" who starts a revolution right away. there are many points why tomorrow is important. but i dont really know why im writing this here. its not really your concern anyway.
Tempeau - Mädchen aus Greifswald; ex-Selig, ex-Zinoba
Wednesday, 15 August 2007
Neither an ox nor a donkey is able to stop the progress of socialism...
...only people can do.
I have been in Berlin recently and talking with friends about the former German Democratic Republic quite a lot so I wanted to write a post on it here. It wont be slag off or praising good old times. Or against socialists. Just what I think. Sorry if it sounds patronising at some points. To say it beforehand for those who dont know me, I was born in the DDR and lived there until it broke down. And it is pure coincidence that last Monday 46 years ago the wall was built. it just took some time for me. and how did the former head of the state council, Walter Ulbricht, say: Noboby has the intention to build a wall. This was a few weeks before they build it.
i hope someone bothers to read the whole post. i have been writing on this for quite a time.
when i talk with others about socialism or ddr it sometimes come to the point where i say that socialism cant work and get the reply, well it never has been done properly or right. this always hurts a bit because it has been tried so many times and it always failed or never really get very far. its often 'western' leftists who say this. it is quite interesting to see how marxism and socialism have developed so differently in east and west (not germany necessarily, but us and udssr dominated parts). in the west the discussion was free to develop while in the east the party said how to interpret it. and it has changed so many times the interpretation that there wasnt only one clear line. at some point walter ulbricht fell in disgrace and erich honecker was the new man. the same with stalin and others.
Erich Honecker
a picture of him was hanging in every public place (i think it was this one), even in school rooms. after the wall it was a cross for me (school under catholic authority...) and now its the queen in the library. tho these mean quite different things its a bit all the same in the end (just a note on the side: when the queen came to essex, new flowers were planted and one square was cleaned days in advance, even the trash bins. and people waved little flags. when some high rank ddr official came or there was an important national holiday, the same things were done. proudly waving a little flag...). but i dont know if it really has never been tried properly. or if socialism just has to go as it went. im not sure if it can work. i love the idea that everyone is supposed to be equal and no one is better of than others. and things are not overpriced. a pan bread for 0,003 euro cent. or a bus ride for a cent... but some are more equal than others. party officials had proper cars and houses. anyhow. i think that central planning wouldnt be so disadvantegeous. free market isnt really possible anyway (just now when various banks like ezb push huge sums into stock markets to calm them down after the bubble bursted in the us). it would be good to have a mixture of central planning and capitalism, i think. but not for so many years ahead and a bit more flexible. a new born child basically got as a present? an order for a car because it took 15 years or so until it was delivered... or if there was no need for a certain profession no one could study it. my mum wanted to become a librarian and she ended up with construction economics whereas she cant really handle numbers... (ddr had some weird professions like construction economist. tractorist. polytechnic teacher.) so there was no freedom of choice, except only when taking the risk of being punished for having choice. but it is understandable under central planning. not everyone can become what he or she wants as there would be a shortage somewhere which collides with the plan. another things is, that tho you could buy basic things many were unavailable (there was only artificial coffee because importing the whole needed amount would have been too expensive. Bananas were available on very, very rare occasions, every other year or so). or just at certain times and certain places. supermarkets were empty most times. I sometimes get a bit scared when I got to tescos on a Saturday afternoon and the shelves are empty. But as everyone had some relatives in the west you sometimes got a package with coffee, little toys, clothes or whatever. Not necessarily new stuff. Just things that would have probably been thrown away otherwise. The wardrobes in my children’s room were bought a year in advance in a far away town because they were available then and my parents didn’t know if they would be when im born. The same with the allotment my parents had. They built a hut and the materials came from all over the gdr. You had to be good in organising things and you had to know people who know people. I sometimes think that it is still quite strong in east germany and people still organise something. Or built things themselves, like cars, submarines, houses and that stuff (cars and submarines were built by individuals…). Basically everything was scarce. I don’t say I was suffering all the time. You survived well. But it was more personal planning involved. And furthermore, if I don’t know what a banana is I can hardly miss it, cant I?
On the other side, the whole systems was tightly organised and your life was pretty straight. I was a Jung Pionier in primary school, a youth organisation. We did important stuff like writing to our ‘working’ heroes, or soldiers. We had ‘assemblies’ to decide how national holidays should be celebrated and great persons (Valentina Tereschokowa, first woman in space; I don’t if her name is right) are remembered. I was responsible for the ‘newspaper’. Making stars when udssr conquered space again… every had some position so nothing special with that. As a child it makes you somehow proud when you can do something ‘important’. Every morning before school we had to stand on the schoolyard and to report who was missing on that day. Or if we having an excursion. Or did some other great stuff. For this we had to raise our hand and put on our heads, like that thing cocks have and say “seid bereit, immer bereit” (be ready, always ready) later on you got into the Thälmann pioneers and then became a member of the FDJ but the ddr broke down before I got into them. Here is a pic of ernst thaelmann, communist and murdered by the Nazis.
I used to be a Pionier. Seid bereit, Immer bereit
at the age of 16 boys went to paramilitary training and girls to civil defense. Ddr had an ridiculous big army. Plus hundreds of thousands of red soldiers. Germany would have been a place for a hot war. Sometimes there were large manoeuvres where all socialists soldiers marched in west direction. A quiz game if they would stop or not. Ddr had plans for an invasion of west germany. And it is not for sure whether they would have done it or not. It looked quite likely… one of my uncles had to do his 18 months of military service in a border control unit and scared himself to death every day that he might have to shoot someone. Direct order. My dad had to go to training after the normal service every other years because he was studying and couldn’t have continued otherwise.
That song was forbidden because it deals of a bird and that everyone needs to escape from daily life sometimes… revolution! Run! Treason! So it was forbidden. Films were also forbidden if they were to critical. Or books. Or whatever (the artist wasn’t liked for some reason. mail from outside ddr were opened by the secret service…) it’s Renft “Als ich wie ein Vogel war”, When I was like a bird.
that song was more appropriate, easy and cheesy. Nina Hagen “Du hast den Farbfilm vergessen”.
(while browsing youtube for videos I found this one, not really good but it’s the market place of my hometown… Puhdys “Scheidung”
Another DDR Band, playing in my home-town)
there was a really tight control of all citizens by the secret service. Either officially or mostly unofficially by unofficial agents. Roughly one spy for every 180 citizens and you never knew who it was. It could be everyone. With some it was very obvious (the husband of one my mum’s colleague was colonol in the stasi). Others had a very good cover and only years after the fall of the wall victims got to know about them (sometimes it was even your wife… files with the spies’ names have be ‘rescued’ by the cia a few days after the fall). There are espionage files about my parents, one of my uncles (as he was in the foreign department), about of my granddads… maybe there are more around. I really don’t know. It can take quite a while to get your file, given it is already found. And new things might be added every year.
So this is really just a very very little snapshot of ddr life and real existing socialism. Its not by far everything. I visited berlin with a friend and she said that life isnt so black and white that u can divide it into socialism vs capitalism. We visited some historical museums because she was interested in it. And even there it is really hard to show how it was because these facts are still “cold’ and ‘dead’. We walked along the wall and saw some plattenbauten. It somehow strange for me to see films like sonnenallee, good bye Lenin, or the lives of others. There is always some memory. And more plots for east germans as they know the contexts. Anyhow, what is the most interesting thing is the many different generations at the moment. I have completely different memory then my parents who have different experiences than my grandparents. It is even so that friends of mine who are 3 or 4 years older than me have complete different memory while brother who is 3 years younger than me has almost no memory and just knows socialist kindergarten. It is really interesting to listen different stories and experiences. There is a lot of (world) history in individual lives. I asked my parents in summer 1989 if we had to go to Hungary as well. There was a chance to get into the west and it was reported on west television what I saw (officially not, of course…). I still have my blue scarf from the pioneers. And my membership card. At the end of day I don’t know. I have been too young to fully experience ddr. For me it was a nice childhood and I more or less enjoyed it. Only afterwards the full extent became apparent to me. I don’t miss ddr at all. Some things were good but most were not. And when I just think of me studying in England im pretty happy that the ddr doesn’t exist anymore. It would have never been possible even to go to England. When some east germans complain about the capitalist system and how bad living they have now in comparison to ddr they should just think of their last vacation in malle or turkey… or that they can go into a supermarket and buy real coffee. Or can buy a car today and not in 15 years. And that they can say how bad living they have now. Bad living in the ddr? Never. A socialist citizen is always happy and well off (better off than those western fascists capitalists). A most of all freedom.
I have been in Berlin recently and talking with friends about the former German Democratic Republic quite a lot so I wanted to write a post on it here. It wont be slag off or praising good old times. Or against socialists. Just what I think. Sorry if it sounds patronising at some points. To say it beforehand for those who dont know me, I was born in the DDR and lived there until it broke down. And it is pure coincidence that last Monday 46 years ago the wall was built. it just took some time for me. and how did the former head of the state council, Walter Ulbricht, say: Noboby has the intention to build a wall. This was a few weeks before they build it.
i hope someone bothers to read the whole post. i have been writing on this for quite a time.
when i talk with others about socialism or ddr it sometimes come to the point where i say that socialism cant work and get the reply, well it never has been done properly or right. this always hurts a bit because it has been tried so many times and it always failed or never really get very far. its often 'western' leftists who say this. it is quite interesting to see how marxism and socialism have developed so differently in east and west (not germany necessarily, but us and udssr dominated parts). in the west the discussion was free to develop while in the east the party said how to interpret it. and it has changed so many times the interpretation that there wasnt only one clear line. at some point walter ulbricht fell in disgrace and erich honecker was the new man. the same with stalin and others.
Erich Honeckera picture of him was hanging in every public place (i think it was this one), even in school rooms. after the wall it was a cross for me (school under catholic authority...) and now its the queen in the library. tho these mean quite different things its a bit all the same in the end (just a note on the side: when the queen came to essex, new flowers were planted and one square was cleaned days in advance, even the trash bins. and people waved little flags. when some high rank ddr official came or there was an important national holiday, the same things were done. proudly waving a little flag...). but i dont know if it really has never been tried properly. or if socialism just has to go as it went. im not sure if it can work. i love the idea that everyone is supposed to be equal and no one is better of than others. and things are not overpriced. a pan bread for 0,003 euro cent. or a bus ride for a cent... but some are more equal than others. party officials had proper cars and houses. anyhow. i think that central planning wouldnt be so disadvantegeous. free market isnt really possible anyway (just now when various banks like ezb push huge sums into stock markets to calm them down after the bubble bursted in the us). it would be good to have a mixture of central planning and capitalism, i think. but not for so many years ahead and a bit more flexible. a new born child basically got as a present? an order for a car because it took 15 years or so until it was delivered... or if there was no need for a certain profession no one could study it. my mum wanted to become a librarian and she ended up with construction economics whereas she cant really handle numbers... (ddr had some weird professions like construction economist. tractorist. polytechnic teacher.) so there was no freedom of choice, except only when taking the risk of being punished for having choice. but it is understandable under central planning. not everyone can become what he or she wants as there would be a shortage somewhere which collides with the plan. another things is, that tho you could buy basic things many were unavailable (there was only artificial coffee because importing the whole needed amount would have been too expensive. Bananas were available on very, very rare occasions, every other year or so). or just at certain times and certain places. supermarkets were empty most times. I sometimes get a bit scared when I got to tescos on a Saturday afternoon and the shelves are empty. But as everyone had some relatives in the west you sometimes got a package with coffee, little toys, clothes or whatever. Not necessarily new stuff. Just things that would have probably been thrown away otherwise. The wardrobes in my children’s room were bought a year in advance in a far away town because they were available then and my parents didn’t know if they would be when im born. The same with the allotment my parents had. They built a hut and the materials came from all over the gdr. You had to be good in organising things and you had to know people who know people. I sometimes think that it is still quite strong in east germany and people still organise something. Or built things themselves, like cars, submarines, houses and that stuff (cars and submarines were built by individuals…). Basically everything was scarce. I don’t say I was suffering all the time. You survived well. But it was more personal planning involved. And furthermore, if I don’t know what a banana is I can hardly miss it, cant I?
On the other side, the whole systems was tightly organised and your life was pretty straight. I was a Jung Pionier in primary school, a youth organisation. We did important stuff like writing to our ‘working’ heroes, or soldiers. We had ‘assemblies’ to decide how national holidays should be celebrated and great persons (Valentina Tereschokowa, first woman in space; I don’t if her name is right) are remembered. I was responsible for the ‘newspaper’. Making stars when udssr conquered space again… every had some position so nothing special with that. As a child it makes you somehow proud when you can do something ‘important’. Every morning before school we had to stand on the schoolyard and to report who was missing on that day. Or if we having an excursion. Or did some other great stuff. For this we had to raise our hand and put on our heads, like that thing cocks have and say “seid bereit, immer bereit” (be ready, always ready) later on you got into the Thälmann pioneers and then became a member of the FDJ but the ddr broke down before I got into them. Here is a pic of ernst thaelmann, communist and murdered by the Nazis.
I used to be a Pionier. Seid bereit, Immer bereitat the age of 16 boys went to paramilitary training and girls to civil defense. Ddr had an ridiculous big army. Plus hundreds of thousands of red soldiers. Germany would have been a place for a hot war. Sometimes there were large manoeuvres where all socialists soldiers marched in west direction. A quiz game if they would stop or not. Ddr had plans for an invasion of west germany. And it is not for sure whether they would have done it or not. It looked quite likely… one of my uncles had to do his 18 months of military service in a border control unit and scared himself to death every day that he might have to shoot someone. Direct order. My dad had to go to training after the normal service every other years because he was studying and couldn’t have continued otherwise.
That song was forbidden because it deals of a bird and that everyone needs to escape from daily life sometimes… revolution! Run! Treason! So it was forbidden. Films were also forbidden if they were to critical. Or books. Or whatever (the artist wasn’t liked for some reason. mail from outside ddr were opened by the secret service…) it’s Renft “Als ich wie ein Vogel war”, When I was like a bird.
that song was more appropriate, easy and cheesy. Nina Hagen “Du hast den Farbfilm vergessen”.
(while browsing youtube for videos I found this one, not really good but it’s the market place of my hometown… Puhdys “Scheidung”
Another DDR Band, playing in my home-town)
there was a really tight control of all citizens by the secret service. Either officially or mostly unofficially by unofficial agents. Roughly one spy for every 180 citizens and you never knew who it was. It could be everyone. With some it was very obvious (the husband of one my mum’s colleague was colonol in the stasi). Others had a very good cover and only years after the fall of the wall victims got to know about them (sometimes it was even your wife… files with the spies’ names have be ‘rescued’ by the cia a few days after the fall). There are espionage files about my parents, one of my uncles (as he was in the foreign department), about of my granddads… maybe there are more around. I really don’t know. It can take quite a while to get your file, given it is already found. And new things might be added every year.
So this is really just a very very little snapshot of ddr life and real existing socialism. Its not by far everything. I visited berlin with a friend and she said that life isnt so black and white that u can divide it into socialism vs capitalism. We visited some historical museums because she was interested in it. And even there it is really hard to show how it was because these facts are still “cold’ and ‘dead’. We walked along the wall and saw some plattenbauten. It somehow strange for me to see films like sonnenallee, good bye Lenin, or the lives of others. There is always some memory. And more plots for east germans as they know the contexts. Anyhow, what is the most interesting thing is the many different generations at the moment. I have completely different memory then my parents who have different experiences than my grandparents. It is even so that friends of mine who are 3 or 4 years older than me have complete different memory while brother who is 3 years younger than me has almost no memory and just knows socialist kindergarten. It is really interesting to listen different stories and experiences. There is a lot of (world) history in individual lives. I asked my parents in summer 1989 if we had to go to Hungary as well. There was a chance to get into the west and it was reported on west television what I saw (officially not, of course…). I still have my blue scarf from the pioneers. And my membership card. At the end of day I don’t know. I have been too young to fully experience ddr. For me it was a nice childhood and I more or less enjoyed it. Only afterwards the full extent became apparent to me. I don’t miss ddr at all. Some things were good but most were not. And when I just think of me studying in England im pretty happy that the ddr doesn’t exist anymore. It would have never been possible even to go to England. When some east germans complain about the capitalist system and how bad living they have now in comparison to ddr they should just think of their last vacation in malle or turkey… or that they can go into a supermarket and buy real coffee. Or can buy a car today and not in 15 years. And that they can say how bad living they have now. Bad living in the ddr? Never. A socialist citizen is always happy and well off (better off than those western fascists capitalists). A most of all freedom.
Friday, 10 August 2007
Update: 10 things I want to do
I had a post 3 months ago about 10 things i want to do until the end of the year and here is a brief update.
today i accomplished point 9, walking barfoot in puddles in a summer rain. the last days there has been abitrary weather. sunshine and rain in a lovely mixture. so today. it was warm, but not really sunny. but hot. disgustingly hot. in the evening i went to town to have some food. it was already raining a bit. after dinner i went to a friends place im taking care of at the moment as she is in thailand (every travels to thailand these days...) it was raining on the way to hers and then on the way back to my place. but just light rain apart from some showers. to cut it short, i took my shoes off and walked a bit through the puddles. it reminded me of my childhood where i sometimes did the same. once i had to pick up my granddad from the trainstation in the town where my grandparents are living. i missed him (or just was easily distracted by the things i could see. come on, i was 7 or 8...) and walked a detour back. i remember jumping into puddles, walking in little streams, splashing the water... i loved it. and i loved it today. catapulting myself back to childhood in a positive way. im just happy.
today i accomplished point 9, walking barfoot in puddles in a summer rain. the last days there has been abitrary weather. sunshine and rain in a lovely mixture. so today. it was warm, but not really sunny. but hot. disgustingly hot. in the evening i went to town to have some food. it was already raining a bit. after dinner i went to a friends place im taking care of at the moment as she is in thailand (every travels to thailand these days...) it was raining on the way to hers and then on the way back to my place. but just light rain apart from some showers. to cut it short, i took my shoes off and walked a bit through the puddles. it reminded me of my childhood where i sometimes did the same. once i had to pick up my granddad from the trainstation in the town where my grandparents are living. i missed him (or just was easily distracted by the things i could see. come on, i was 7 or 8...) and walked a detour back. i remember jumping into puddles, walking in little streams, splashing the water... i loved it. and i loved it today. catapulting myself back to childhood in a positive way. im just happy.
Thursday, 9 August 2007
Graduation amendment
I forgot to say something. At the departmental reception the head of department gave a speech (inevitably) and just said that sociologists are those guys who are in suits but look rather disgusted from it.
they only wear cord jackets if at all as social workers do ... (at least in germany, and it is a strong prejudice). or jackets with patches on the elbow parts...
they only wear cord jackets if at all as social workers do ... (at least in germany, and it is a strong prejudice). or jackets with patches on the elbow parts...
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