OMG

...I can mourn. I had to let steam off yesterday. Deep inside, Im really pissed off by how it is at the moment. Yesterday, I could have thrown my computer out of the window, screaming you "fucking blessing-of-the-postindustrial-age-bastard, do the hell i have in mind on this bloody statistics!!!!" I didnt. It felt good to "scream" and mourn in my blog instead. No swearing anymore in the near future.

My problem has a name

... and it is called Eurobarometer44_2-Stata. Of course, everyone who thinks something of her-, him- or itself has a double-name. By the way, these were quite fashionable during the 90s in Germany. Now you are going back to one surname only. anyhow it is, my problem is stata in conjunction with Eurobarometer 44_2 (not to mention Eurobarometer 56_1, this is the next on my desk). To put it short, I'm basically screwed. I have been sitting on this for month now and all I managed to do was to write the syntax, so that I might get some results from it. I'm stuck. I'm more than stuck. This is almost getting nowhere. I could finish it tomorrow if I want to (or have to). But with every little thing I solve there will be a new thing/problem. I have several difficulties: firstly, this is a huge dataset and Im scared that i will mess it up and get some "subjective" outcomes, things im looking for but which are not true in the end; i manipulate the data until it fits my imagination. second, its the first time im working with stata and almost everything is new; nonetheless, stata is better than spss, but only once you figured out how it works (and im still working on it). thirdly, i have no one who i can talk to about this; who in hell is bothering with stats??? i dont want to talk to geeks; stats isnt my favorite and will never be, but the only ones who know about stats seems to be geeks. paska. fourthly, once i cracked one problem there will be defo another one. this is what i am working on today, yesterday, the day before, the day before the day before, the day before the day before the day before, ...



ok, what im trying to achieve is to have a variable which comprehends 15 (or so) others and gives me an indication how people will or wont get sick from their job. it would be easy if there is only one option, people can choose from, and not for each variable one. this problem isnt really solvable in a good way, except ignoring individual choices and just comprehend them somehow. This would be the easiest one. but why do i want to have it like this? everyone can do it. i really dont know why. im really screwed here. i really would need one, telling me you will be fine. i believe in you. you will get it done. this is what i would need right now. no pity, no tipps (tho i wouldnt say no to them). all i need is emotional support. the rest will be solved. i hope i can somehow solve this kind of problem quite soon and everything will be alright. about the other difficulties i have. i think i can manage them somehow. of course it is a new software but the more i do the more i will know about it. it was the same with spss. before i did my masters i know the basic functions of spss but nothing more. the more i did on spss the more i got to know and i now know what someone can do on spss and what not. Secondly, i wont mess up the data really. i have a play-along dataset with which i can try out commands, im not quite sure about, and at the end only things i need will be saved. i dont have any worries there. even if the outcomes just fit my imagination, so be it. no one will ever bother to calculate things i did. too much work. im defo on the safe side there. just, thirdly, i do miss a person i can talk to. not necessarily about specific commands or so. the person doesnt have to be an expert in stats. just someone who can give some valuable feedback in the form of, you will get through it or maybe even, why havent you tried this. this would be great. but there isnt anyone like this, tho there are a few in germany (but far away).and finally, also problems are not solvable as luhmann would say. i think i can solve them. and they are just some form of excitement. with every new problem that evolves i will get the motivation to solve it. it made me really, really, really happy the other day when i solved that one problem which bothered me for weeks. all i need to do was to type an ` instead of an ' . but you have to know that. i was really, really happy. i know i will crack the problem i described above and in the picture. i will defo laugh about his in a few days time.


my parents offered me that i can come back to germany when i cant cope with this anymore. i dont even have to say a word. just come back to germany. i said no because, so far it has been more or less the best time of my life. i have developed and im the person i like to be, with past and history. im happy about all what happend, what it made out of me. i rejected the offer. tho it is really good to know i have it. im not seriously thinking about it. im spending a thought here and there. there are many issues involved with it. its somehow again a crucial turning point. i cant go back to germany really. i dont fit it there anymore. i could stay here. but somehow it feels, as if i decide now how the rest of my life will look like. the option which seems quite likely is that i will finish my phd and then go to the place wherever i find a job. be it england. be it us. be it canada. be it australia or alaska (both are the ideal, at least for a year or so). my holidays will depend on conferences where i will give papers (and these can be everywhere). my relationships will be long distance or short-term until the next move. most friendships will be bound by time, basically limited by the time im at one certain place. this mind sound tempting to some, that you can travel, will see places, be international, be excited all the time.... but on the other hand, it is quite scary because at the end of the day, my only HOME will be my laptop where i have access to the internet. there i can chat with friends, talk about my life, check my emails. it will be my base, nothing else. i will be homeless in a global age (no worries there, i possibly wont end up sleeping under a bridge). you can say its ok, come over it and get yourself together. but think seriously about it. do seriously. i will always be somehow on the run. to the next job. to the next country. there wont (probably) a fix point, except my laptop. it is tempting tho. but scary as well. i know i can go back to germany and will meet friends i ve known for ages. but at the end of the day, i will be somehow a lost person. lost in globalised world. i cant even start a relationship now because who the hell knows where i will be in 2 years?!? not in essex, not in germany. thats for sure. but were else. im lost. im really lost. i hope that at the end of the day i could say "all right now". I really hope so.

Free All right now


I think it will be like this. Being a lost person. nowhere at home, except where my laptop is and where i can communicate with my friends who might be next door or 1000s of kilometers away. i will be alright, and i dont want any pity. just some kind of, you are strong, you will get through it, i believe in you, would be nice. i will arrange with it. i will defo laugh about this post in 20 years time. now, it just scars me. im really scared. deep inside i feel lost, whatever i pretend to be on the outside.

I dont know what to write anymore. Im screwed here and I would have needed some mental support. that's all. nothing more and nothing less.

So

Ich habs heute beendet. Ging einfach nicht, der Kopf war nicht wirklich frei und ich konnte nicht das geben, was sie verdient hätte. War trotzdem sehr schön. Und ich bin um die Erfahrung reicher, dass es auch wirklich "normale" da draußen gibt. Ich werd dann mal ins Bett gehen. Bis denn

Es geht doch

Man konnte ja schon etwas verfolgen, wie das hier so läuft. Von wegen, europäische Mitbürger erklären mich für verrückt, das mit ihrem exfreund ist nicht so wie es aussieht (alles ganz anders, ja...), und ich könnte ohne sie nicht überleben. nunja, wie auch immer, heute hatte ich ein paar freunde da. solche freunde, die mich - laut aussage unserer Mitbürger - immer wie nichts behandeln und alles arrogante a.löcher sind. und überraschenderweise, es war sehr schön. ich habe ihnen salat als vorspeise (eigenes dressing), frikassee als hauptspeiße und eierkuchen mit eis und custard als nachspeiße gereicht. sie waren hin und weg und es war sehr schön. wir haben uns so um 6 getroffen und dann ein paar schöne 4 stunden miteinander verbracht. sehr erholsam und ganz ungezwungen. und das beste war, dass ich nicht meine ganzen bücher verstecken musste (im übertragenen sinne), weil ich ja sonst mit ihnen angeben würde... es geht wirklich auch anders und ich hatte eine schöne zeit und die anderen auch. keine endlosen debatten darüber, ob meine vielen bücher ein ausdruck meiner ddr-vergangenheit sind. ob mein zuhören, wenn andere reden (auch wenns manchmal langweilig ist), ein zeichen von asperger syndrom ist und nicht etwa einfacherweise nur höflichkeit. im grunde konnte ich ich sein und musste mich nicht verstellen oder irgendjemandens vorstellungen genügen. hätt ich das mal (sehr, sehr) viel früher gewusst...

Randnotiz

Nur mal so am Rande: Ich arbeite türlich nicht nur an Statistik die ganze Zeit. Dat wär ja wohl auch etwas zu langweilig. Nebenbei arbeite ich auch am 10. Punkt meiner Liste.... Wir erinnern uns, die berühmte 10DingedieichbiszumEndedesJahresmachenwill-Liste, wo nur 9 Punkte drauf waren... Bisher zwomal getroffen und es jibt tatsächlich noch vernünftge auf dieser Erde... Sehr schön. Wat will man mehr.

Bloody hell, I'm getting old

I'm sitting on stats now for almost two months. Not every day tho, still. While in Scotland I wanted to start with bivariate and multivariate analysis, facing one problem: how can I repeat a command for a set of independent variables in relation to a dependent variable? (e.g. I'ld like to know what increases wellbeing: haggis, music, milchreis, safeing the world, drunkeness, speeding, whatever, individually and together... nah seriously, participation, higher payment, respect, ...) bla bla bla. I never found the appropriate command that repeats others. Why? Instead of a " ` " i used " ' ". It was all there, in the manuals. But who is supposed to see that? Eagles with their sharp eyes but not average persons like me. Bloody hell. One simple character can screw you up.

What are the philosphical implications?

A:
By the way, Margarita and I will probably be at yours by 5.30pm. Hope that's fashionably late enough? The Commoner

B:
yep, the devilish details... but i'm working on that. come whenever you think its late enough to have a glorious entry. (but isnt the unexpected part of a fashionably late arrival? if so, then you wont arrive late as i now know when you will come and we just can adjust the starting time; or in other words, the unexpected is expected and the uncertainty of your arrival is certain. to retain the unexpected element of a fashionably late arrival, i think you shouldnt have said at what time you will arrive late so that we could have been sitting here and waiting, not knowing when you will come and, thus, being surprised when you come. I'm still not sure about the real philosophical implications... I think I should discuss this with x and y. Maybe a graph helps.

A:
Well, I'm lost for words, that last post should be published (not sure where). Just when I think I've got your number as an illiterate foreign royal, you astound me with your verbal acuity. Keep x out of the equation (even though we all enjoy mocking the afflicted, there are some limits) and literary success could be assured. Standard therapy's over-rated, too (other variations gratefully accepted). You could use a graph for illustrative purposes, perhaps? The Commoner

Haggis contd.

I just want to say that I might have Haggis now. Maybe it's better than last time. Apart from that the Oil Capital of Europe (quote) is astonishing.

Blessings of the post-industrial age

I wrote before that they have closed down my second office (outside the entrance to the sociology department) because they are renovating the computer labs there. Today they were tearing down the outside walls. Manually. A man standing on a ladder with a somewhat bigger hammer, punching against the wall until it collapses (or at least parts of it). Come on, this is ridiculous. He should enjoy the blessings of the industrial revolution where everything has become electric, even hammers. He's standing there for a good part of the day and will have muscle ache in the evening while it would take him half an hour with a proper electric machine. But maybe this is already a sign of a blessed post-industrial age where more 'personal' labour and efficient energy use is valued again... Who knows?!? I have just been laughing about this. Poor man. Job-creation measure; this is what I'm talking about.

3 years later

The Queen is on this one as well

They do really exist, 50 pound notes. Unbelievable. Never saw one before and I guess even English have only heard of. Maybe I will see them soon again when I pay my rent. But maybe they will only be given to respectable people. Then I won't see any again.

On the road again

I just can't wait to get on the road again While driving back to england i was thinking quite a lot. One was would it be possible to get from england to germany with only one gas filling. if i drive carefully my car needs about 4.8 litres per hundred kilometers. the distance is approx. 1040 kilometres and the car tank is 55 litres. doing maths. it would be theoretically. Next time I will have a go at it.

(1040 kilometres might even be for some 1040 too much. Hm.)

A sign?

After returning to england i went to my office in uni for checking mail and moving into my new office. anyhow, they closed down my second office!!! Remember, i have had two offices: one inside and the other one outside near the entrance where i smoked. Now only the inside office is left. maybe this is a sign and i should really stop smoking. or did i already? cant remember...

Duck you sucker

Well, then, I think my experiment was a success. I could sleep shortly I wrote that post. So I can drink coffee again. Yippee-ki-yay, you coffee-makers. I'm back for coffee. I'll be pain in your coffee machine. I'm happy about, something good after days of misery.

For a fistful of coffee

I had a day off today and used my time for an experiment. I already wrote that I cant drink any coffee after 11 in the morning or coke after 8ish in the evening, without having to fear a sleepless night. In the last 5 weeks or so I have been drinking coffee here and there after that time and I could sleep. am wondering if this is just possible because I'm completely knackered or not. So today, I wanted to know it. I had coffee at 5 in the afternoon. And I'm still awake. It's quarter past 2 continental time. I guess, I will tell you tomorrow how this fistful of coffee has been dissolved in sleep.

Whats on?

Sorry for being a bit silent the last time. Have been working on stats and will do so for the next weeks. I've been struggling and fighting with it day in, day out. Tho I dont dislike stats it has been frustrating quite a lot. Problems that take valuable time away (and they arent even solved yet). One mistake that makes everything done obsolete and requires a restart. anyhow (i know, no one really cares about my mourning. i would give a shit too...)

tomorrow i have a first meeting with a company that is very interested in my research and hopefully will participate. Im quite nervous about it and have been preparing it the whole day. its pretty important to me as it is the next stage of my phd, and to be a bit melodramatic, its now really the point for which i have been studying and working since 2000. also, the company will serve as some form of reference for other companies, hopefully, showing them im not necessarily the "bad and ugly unionist guy" who starts a revolution right away. there are many points why tomorrow is important. but i dont really know why im writing this here. its not really your concern anyway.

Tempeau - Mädchen aus Greifswald; ex-Selig, ex-Zinoba

Neither an ox nor a donkey is able to stop the progress of socialism...

...only people can do.

I have been in Berlin recently and talking with friends about the former German Democratic Republic quite a lot so I wanted to write a post on it here. It wont be slag off or praising good old times. Or against socialists. Just what I think. Sorry if it sounds patronising at some points. To say it beforehand for those who dont know me, I was born in the DDR and lived there until it broke down. And it is pure coincidence that last Monday 46 years ago the wall was built. it just took some time for me. and how did the former head of the state council, Walter Ulbricht, say: Noboby has the intention to build a wall. This was a few weeks before they build it.

i hope someone bothers to read the whole post. i have been writing on this for quite a time.

when i talk with others about socialism or ddr it sometimes come to the point where i say that socialism cant work and get the reply, well it never has been done properly or right. this always hurts a bit because it has been tried so many times and it always failed or never really get very far. its often 'western' leftists who say this. it is quite interesting to see how marxism and socialism have developed so differently in east and west (not germany necessarily, but us and udssr dominated parts). in the west the discussion was free to develop while in the east the party said how to interpret it. and it has changed so many times the interpretation that there wasnt only one clear line. at some point walter ulbricht fell in disgrace and erich honecker was the new man. the same with stalin and others.
Erich Honecker
a picture of him was hanging in every public place (i think it was this one), even in school rooms. after the wall it was a cross for me (school under catholic authority...) and now its the queen in the library. tho these mean quite different things its a bit all the same in the end (just a note on the side: when the queen came to essex, new flowers were planted and one square was cleaned days in advance, even the trash bins. and people waved little flags. when some high rank ddr official came or there was an important national holiday, the same things were done. proudly waving a little flag...). but i dont know if it really has never been tried properly. or if socialism just has to go as it went. im not sure if it can work. i love the idea that everyone is supposed to be equal and no one is better of than others. and things are not overpriced. a pan bread for 0,003 euro cent. or a bus ride for a cent... but some are more equal than others. party officials had proper cars and houses. anyhow. i think that central planning wouldnt be so disadvantegeous. free market isnt really possible anyway (just now when various banks like ezb push huge sums into stock markets to calm them down after the bubble bursted in the us). it would be good to have a mixture of central planning and capitalism, i think. but not for so many years ahead and a bit more flexible. a new born child basically got as a present? an order for a car because it took 15 years or so until it was delivered... or if there was no need for a certain profession no one could study it. my mum wanted to become a librarian and she ended up with construction economics whereas she cant really handle numbers... (ddr had some weird professions like construction economist. tractorist. polytechnic teacher.) so there was no freedom of choice, except only when taking the risk of being punished for having choice. but it is understandable under central planning. not everyone can become what he or she wants as there would be a shortage somewhere which collides with the plan. another things is, that tho you could buy basic things many were unavailable (there was only artificial coffee because importing the whole needed amount would have been too expensive. Bananas were available on very, very rare occasions, every other year or so). or just at certain times and certain places. supermarkets were empty most times. I sometimes get a bit scared when I got to tescos on a Saturday afternoon and the shelves are empty. But as everyone had some relatives in the west you sometimes got a package with coffee, little toys, clothes or whatever. Not necessarily new stuff. Just things that would have probably been thrown away otherwise. The wardrobes in my children’s room were bought a year in advance in a far away town because they were available then and my parents didn’t know if they would be when im born. The same with the allotment my parents had. They built a hut and the materials came from all over the gdr. You had to be good in organising things and you had to know people who know people. I sometimes think that it is still quite strong in east germany and people still organise something. Or built things themselves, like cars, submarines, houses and that stuff (cars and submarines were built by individuals…). Basically everything was scarce. I don’t say I was suffering all the time. You survived well. But it was more personal planning involved. And furthermore, if I don’t know what a banana is I can hardly miss it, cant I?
On the other side, the whole systems was tightly organised and your life was pretty straight. I was a Jung Pionier in primary school, a youth organisation. We did important stuff like writing to our ‘working’ heroes, or soldiers. We had ‘assemblies’ to decide how national holidays should be celebrated and great persons (Valentina Tereschokowa, first woman in space; I don’t if her name is right) are remembered. I was responsible for the ‘newspaper’. Making stars when udssr conquered space again… every had some position so nothing special with that. As a child it makes you somehow proud when you can do something ‘important’. Every morning before school we had to stand on the schoolyard and to report who was missing on that day. Or if we having an excursion. Or did some other great stuff. For this we had to raise our hand and put on our heads, like that thing cocks have and say “seid bereit, immer bereit” (be ready, always ready) later on you got into the Thälmann pioneers and then became a member of the FDJ but the ddr broke down before I got into them. Here is a pic of ernst thaelmann, communist and murdered by the Nazis.
I used to be a Pionier. Seid bereit, Immer bereit
at the age of 16 boys went to paramilitary training and girls to civil defense. Ddr had an ridiculous big army. Plus hundreds of thousands of red soldiers. Germany would have been a place for a hot war. Sometimes there were large manoeuvres where all socialists soldiers marched in west direction. A quiz game if they would stop or not. Ddr had plans for an invasion of west germany. And it is not for sure whether they would have done it or not. It looked quite likely… one of my uncles had to do his 18 months of military service in a border control unit and scared himself to death every day that he might have to shoot someone. Direct order. My dad had to go to training after the normal service every other years because he was studying and couldn’t have continued otherwise.

That song was forbidden because it deals of a bird and that everyone needs to escape from daily life sometimes… revolution! Run! Treason! So it was forbidden. Films were also forbidden if they were to critical. Or books. Or whatever (the artist wasn’t liked for some reason. mail from outside ddr were opened by the secret service…) it’s Renft “Als ich wie ein Vogel war”, When I was like a bird.

that song was more appropriate, easy and cheesy. Nina Hagen “Du hast den Farbfilm vergessen”.

(while browsing youtube for videos I found this one, not really good but it’s the market place of my hometown… Puhdys “Scheidung”
Another DDR Band, playing in my home-town)
there was a really tight control of all citizens by the secret service. Either officially or mostly unofficially by unofficial agents. Roughly one spy for every 180 citizens and you never knew who it was. It could be everyone. With some it was very obvious (the husband of one my mum’s colleague was colonol in the stasi). Others had a very good cover and only years after the fall of the wall victims got to know about them (sometimes it was even your wife… files with the spies’ names have be ‘rescued’ by the cia a few days after the fall). There are espionage files about my parents, one of my uncles (as he was in the foreign department), about of my granddads… maybe there are more around. I really don’t know. It can take quite a while to get your file, given it is already found. And new things might be added every year.

So this is really just a very very little snapshot of ddr life and real existing socialism. Its not by far everything. I visited berlin with a friend and she said that life isnt so black and white that u can divide it into socialism vs capitalism. We visited some historical museums because she was interested in it. And even there it is really hard to show how it was because these facts are still “cold’ and ‘dead’. We walked along the wall and saw some plattenbauten. It somehow strange for me to see films like sonnenallee, good bye Lenin, or the lives of others. There is always some memory. And more plots for east germans as they know the contexts. Anyhow, what is the most interesting thing is the many different generations at the moment. I have completely different memory then my parents who have different experiences than my grandparents. It is even so that friends of mine who are 3 or 4 years older than me have complete different memory while brother who is 3 years younger than me has almost no memory and just knows socialist kindergarten. It is really interesting to listen different stories and experiences. There is a lot of (world) history in individual lives. I asked my parents in summer 1989 if we had to go to Hungary as well. There was a chance to get into the west and it was reported on west television what I saw (officially not, of course…). I still have my blue scarf from the pioneers. And my membership card. At the end of day I don’t know. I have been too young to fully experience ddr. For me it was a nice childhood and I more or less enjoyed it. Only afterwards the full extent became apparent to me. I don’t miss ddr at all. Some things were good but most were not. And when I just think of me studying in England im pretty happy that the ddr doesn’t exist anymore. It would have never been possible even to go to England. When some east germans complain about the capitalist system and how bad living they have now in comparison to ddr they should just think of their last vacation in malle or turkey… or that they can go into a supermarket and buy real coffee. Or can buy a car today and not in 15 years. And that they can say how bad living they have now. Bad living in the ddr? Never. A socialist citizen is always happy and well off (better off than those western fascists capitalists). A most of all freedom.

Update: 10 things I want to do

I had a post 3 months ago about 10 things i want to do until the end of the year and here is a brief update.

today i accomplished point 9, walking barfoot in puddles in a summer rain. the last days there has been abitrary weather. sunshine and rain in a lovely mixture. so today. it was warm, but not really sunny. but hot. disgustingly hot. in the evening i went to town to have some food. it was already raining a bit. after dinner i went to a friends place im taking care of at the moment as she is in thailand (every travels to thailand these days...) it was raining on the way to hers and then on the way back to my place. but just light rain apart from some showers. to cut it short, i took my shoes off and walked a bit through the puddles. it reminded me of my childhood where i sometimes did the same. once i had to pick up my granddad from the trainstation in the town where my grandparents are living. i missed him (or just was easily distracted by the things i could see. come on, i was 7 or 8...) and walked a detour back. i remember jumping into puddles, walking in little streams, splashing the water... i loved it. and i loved it today. catapulting myself back to childhood in a positive way. im just happy.

Graduation amendment

I forgot to say something. At the departmental reception the head of department gave a speech (inevitably) and just said that sociologists are those guys who are in suits but look rather disgusted from it.

they only wear cord jackets if at all as social workers do ... (at least in germany, and it is a strong prejudice). or jackets with patches on the elbow parts...

The other day

... my brother, his girlfriend and me were driving into town from my parents place and that song were on:



well, as usual, i started to sing without even knowing the lyrics. i only know the chorus, so i sang that (remember new orleans, who are you...). his girlfriend joined in and we ended up singing this song very loudly while the cardrivers and pedestrians next to us thought we were going insane. nah, we didnt, just a bit of a sing-a-song. i have to say that the only one of us three who can sang is she. it was a bit embarrassing because it took the embarrassing factor out for me. i feel happy when i sing. i sometimes sing in the car, or in my flat, or when there is someone, or when i go somewhere. makes me smile and happy. and as i know (yes i do know i cant do x-factor or the like) i dont take myself serious, i just enjoy humming a song. but if someone does it right it takes a bit the fun out. i dont know why but i never know how the lyrics, my lyrics, for a song will go because i dont know them. i sing what i think is the right lyrics. for example, ccr 'did you ever see the rain' and felix 'did you ever whee the rain'. or the smiths in ask 'shyness is nice' and felix 'madness is shy'. im born to sing!

(there is absolutely no deeper meaning or sense in this post. dont even try to think about what i could have meant with the post, i dont know it myself. blurb)

This is all what I say to it. rakas!



(I have been thinking for the last weeks and today i was driving back from the supermarket or de koofhalle ähs wie säjh hiehr and this song came on one of the radio stations. I guess it says part of it.)

I hereby confer the degree of Master of Arts on you (and give you a sweaty handshake...)

I had graduation from my Masters in mid-July. It was my first and second to last at once. It was a warm day and very nice weather, the best there is for graduation. not even a bit of rain, amazing. my grandma with her 75 years even got on a plane for the first time and came to england (also for the first time). this was the greatest gift she could make me. she was really amazed of how beautiful england is. if she had known it she would have come much earlier. it was really nice having her here. we went to windsor and drove around the country side, including the obligatory fish'n'chips... the graduation itself was nice, the chancellor's hands were a bit sweaty and he said a few words to every graduand. Good luck with your future! i was tempted to reply 'well, you know in which subject i just graduated?!? sociology, and the only jobs such talking heads become is either taxidriver or chip shop owner...but thanks anyway' ok i didnt.
after the ceremony there was a reception from the department. quite nice talking to coursemates from last year. with some of them i went out in the evening, after the dinner. it was really nice to catch up and i got an invitation to iceland. i will see if i take it up. here are some pictures and some comments.


Even if I were the queen I wouldnt clean that castle


i had to be fast and his hands were really sweaty
One highlight of the day, drinking with grandma (after she cried because of happiness)
Wie jetzt? Es gibt ausser Kaffee mit Kondensmilch noch andere Sachen mit Kaffee? Und dann auch noch kalter Kaffee?!? Das kann doch gar nicht schmecken
home-made instead of paying someone to do it
Hm, these English have food as well and they know Schnitzel, interesting. thanks for the gift!
Die Neuenburg ist auch nicht viel schoener

6 are enough

a start: im still working for my german university to do some network analysis of local political elites in east and west germany. it's tedious work and involves lots of number juggling. it is quite interesting tho and at the end i hope that i can really use this form of analysis. unfortunately i cant show you results or graphics here as my supervisor doesnt like it. well, but what i can say is, the mayor of my german hometown has no friends she could ask when she is making decisions. i mean this was clear before but now i can proof it. she only has the former mayor she can ask. but no wonder, both arent really successful. there is the plan now to build a new stadium which would be suitable for premier league football. would be ok if there were a premier league football team in my hometown... both big teams are currently playing in the 4th league or so. but the good side of this stadium is that there will be less money for social projects or just kindergartens....
anyhow, i work in uni for about 2-3 days a week and i can come and go whenever i want to. very convenient. especially after a night out or before. anyone heard of 'qap correlation'? or 'euclidic distances'? this is what i have to know and to calculate. today as well. my supervisor isnt really satisfied with the results and he now wants me to manipulate them until they fit his imagination. and what can network analysis do? it will show you that everyone is connected with everyone via 6 persons at the utmost. not more. and even my hometown's mayor would know someone who is playing a premier league team and could do so in her stadium...

BORING!

guten morgen

I wrote at the start of this blog that i usually get bored very fast with such things and that i have to use the time my motivation lasts. this happened now so no wonder that there wasnt anything for the last month or so. it has been quite hectic with emotional high highs and low deeps. i graduated from my masters, i went back to germany for the summer, i have been working on that network analysis thing, i have been working on my phd, i have submitted one article to a journal, i have been preparing another one, i met old friends, i did statistics, i took care of a couple of cats, i made my car older, i drank coffee after 12pm, i went to doctors, i broke my heart, i went jogging, i went to berlin to close circles, i opened the 'presentation bookings' for next year...

lots of 'i' which is boring in itself and to cut it short, dont give up in reading this. there will be new posts very soon. with pictures and more reasonable texts.

apart from this: your body and my mind, together we are great.

A bit cheesy geeks

The whole week im attending a course on Introduction to Stata. It's about three hours a day and today was quite good. At some point I was thinking of this cheesy song...



(well, ok, i have been watching elizabethtown and that song is in it. and it's a fleetwood mac song originally. blurb.) naw, seriously ive been thinking of it in that class too. big smile there. i should do such course more often. anyhow. so im learning to handle stata now. so far i have only been working with spss. both are softwares for statistics. sounds boring. is boring. stays boring. spss is pretty much like windows, it does what i tell it when it works. the majority is menu driven (only twice i had to enter things in the syntax which couldnt be done over menus). but quite annoying in the long run because it doesnt work all the time. it often happens to crash. or everything, be it little or not, must be done manually. no extras please. and it's the most common used program. like windows. stata on the other side is the linux in statistical software packages. considered as geeks' tool as it is mainly done over syntax only. and free/open software (apart from a nice little licensing fee...). geeks around the world write files and procedures which everyone can use. i never bothered to get into stata as it looked just too complicated with all that syntax. but now it seems as if it is actually much easier to handle. and it does thing much faster than spss, which would have taken ages for. less hassle from now on. and maybe im really a geek than. blurb. i will see how it goes.



Later that day i started to sing "this ni-i-ight belongs to u-us, come on now to have a wa-alk" but i was immediately corrected that it is "because the night belongs to lovers..." (cheers vuokko) It was a very nice night (and still is). Quite warm outside, thats the way i like it. and i would have gone for a long night walk. this should explain my free interpretation of the lyrics... the song is from 10,000 Maniacs; what i thought. actually, as i found out, it has been written by bruce springsteen and patti smith. here's the boss in his glory days...

Found in Translation...

Today, finally after weeks of not knowing what the right translations are e.g. for short-term sells, i finished the English-German translation of an article of mine. i ve written enough about this here already so there is no need to repeat myself. it was the first academic piece i had to write in german for the past three years and i hope it comes across as such (even if nobody except me cares). it's off to proofreading now and will go straight to the review then. i ll keep you updated how it goes (for my part, i'm excited).



everyone, who managed to read until this point, yep everything is fine (apart from some minor issues). Just imagine, others think you dont know while you know nevertheless everything. Sweet little lies...

Maybe...

... I should say that all music clips (ok, lets say 97.529 percent) serve a purpose here. It's not just a clip for entertainment. If some would listen more carefully to the clips things would be clearer.

fuck it

Die Hard

I was dancing the other day in ASDA to Under the Boardwalk (and I embarrassed successfully my companion) and remembered that Bruce Willis sang the song time ago. Here's another one he did.



Nobody can say that dying is easy... But at least he's one of the few actors who really can sing. Yet remaining questionable.

I'm fucking bleeding

Ok, this wasnt planned but apparently my blood is too thin at the moment and whenever i scratch myself or hit myself i get bruises or just start to bleed ridiculously. It wont stop for quite a time. I'm a bit worried that i will bleed while im sleeping. there is one point at my neck now which starts to bleed just by starring at it... i just had it right now. one of my t-shirts got bloody bloody... hm, i guess i should see a doctor soon.

Don't count your chickens before the end of the week...

This week I went back to Germany to start working for this research project on elites’ networks. My first day was on Tuesday and I dove in immediately into work. I didn’t know what I would do before so I was quite excited. I like network analysis because it is more or less simple and interesting to see who is connected and how this happens. There is a theory that it will only take up to six people to have a connection from anyone to anyone. Be it from John Smith to George Bush or me to a boat driver in Bangkok. Well, I didn’t do exactly this kind of analysis. I am involved in examining the relations of political elites in 6 German areas. And to be honest, the job was tiring and boring at times. The first three days I had to enter numbers, control numbers and enter numbers again. 10 hours each day starring at a computer screen which isn’t really a good things for one’s eyes. The last day finally brought me some analysis which of the networks is more reliable for analysis. The people I’m working with are friendly (not all of them are nice, one had already forgotten my name the next day although i've only 5 letters in mine; it's not very nice...) and I enjoyed it overall. I will return to Germany at the end of July or so and continue work.

Time in Germany is always busy as I like to see friends there. So besides work I met up with people in the evening for chatting and have some drinks. It is quite strange being in Germany. It now always feels as if it is just vacation and during the first days I just wanted to go back to England. I felt like a displaced person. I didn’t understand the jokes people were laughing about, the stories which were important and going around at the moment. One day I had dinner with my family and my brother’s girlfriend. It was nice to see them but I felt a bit like a third person. I was just the son visiting from England. Well, theoretically and practically I am. But it wasnt really the feeling of what I would consider family. (it felt like a lack intimacy, whatever that means, i dont know to be honest; Keine Sorge, es war schoen!! Nur bin ich nun halt erwachsen und stecke meine Fuesse nur noch sporadisch unter den Tisch...) However, I think I’m just too whiny there. People’s lives go on as mine does as well. So, on one side I wanted to go back immediately; on the other, I wanted to be there because of seeing friends. And, thus, I had the feeling that the week will be hard.
Anyhow, it started slowly to become a bit better. I had one drink with my brother and we talked about his music and how it goes at the moment. I had dinner with a friend and whiskey and beer afterwards, while sitting outside and covering our legs with blankets like old people do… This was really nice and she told me about her new project which is a round trip with boats and seeing art alongside the river. I would like to do this one day. I met another friend before her, who I know from school. While he was repairing a coffee machine (with comments by his girlfriend… I spare my own comment there) we had a beer. We discussed our project (what we have done for the past 10 years already), a synchronic dancing group. Neither of us can really dance but this shouldn’t be a barrier to our success…One day we will be on a all music channels (I guess this will also be the day when a ban on dancing in any places will come into effect…). Then I met another friend. We got some beers from a local shop and sat at a view point facing a part of the city. We spoke about everything and even got a bit nostalgic, remembering old times. Around 11 or so we run out of beer and went to a pub to have another one. This was really good but it was getting even better. We went to another one just around the corner. The owner was called pea and he offered pea soup. I don’t want to know what was inside that soup… here is one picture:

His name was Wolke (Cloud) and he has had more than one beer...

Everyone who likes can pick the guitar and play a song and sing or whatever he or she wants to perform. To be honest these musicians there weren’t living from their music but rather from beer. They were playing some blues there with mouth harps. It was great. Ihana. The perfect ending for a long day. I had bit trouble working the next day, I must admit… however, after two painkillers I felt better.
Yesterday, it was night of the sciences. All departments of the university and other academic institutions in my hometown open their doors. There are lectures, music, discussions, court sessions… I saw lots of known faces there and had quite a lot chats. Additionally, there was opera on the marketplace, Italian music. And a lightshow. They are putting pictures on a house and play music and tell stories to them. Here are a few pictures (I had more but I wont bother you too much).













Later we went to a pub (of course, what else…) for drinks. And then something strange/amazing/surprising happened. I trained a habit that I more or less walk home when I’m drunk (I admit that this happens only in my home town in most cases). Because the way is quite long I always try to take a beer with me. This partially explains why I had some beer glasses (I would have had more but sometimes the glass didn’t survive my walking…). Or I took a beer bottle, whatever is available. My friends started to reserve me a walking home beer. Well, and yesterday I had a same way home like my friend and after a while she asked me if I want to come to hers and get a beer, because I like walking with a beer, don’t I? She remembered and conjured a smile on my face. Thank you very much! My way home was much nicer then.

So, at the end of the week when I started to count my chickens, I think the week wasn’t so bad. I still wanted to go back to England as early as possible, but I enjoyed the time in Germany as well. It’s nice to go back and have some vacation. But it’s nothing else really anymore. My home is here. I don’t belong to Germany anymore. This is weird feeling but I guess I will overcome this pretty soon, if I haven’t already.